Historians have written about three major shifts in terms of revolutions (not of the political type) that have transformed how people live and relate to one another. The first is the Agricultural Revolution, often divided into two stages, from about 10,000 B.C. to the late 19th century. The second stage is the Industrial Revolution, also often divided into two stages, spanning the late 18th century into the early 20th. The third, the Information Age, began very shortly after the end of World War 2 and continues to the present–although some say we are now in a new “age” driven by AI and automation. Understanding these historical changes can help us understand changes over the centuries in how people relate to one another.
I grew up in a small town of 600 people in NW Washington, and my father was a pastor of a church made up almost entirely of families who farmed nearby; the students of the small Christian school I attended were almost all farmers’ kids as well. Most of my friends used to trash-talk about how I was a “city slicker” because I didn’t have to get up in the wee hours of the morning to do farm chores; I sometimes called my friends “country hicks.” Our conversations were rather wide-ranging, but I noticed that they had picked up on some of the things that their fathers talked about, including the weather. When you’re a farmer, this is not idle small talk; your livelihood is dependent to a significant degree on the weather!
When I was 12, my family moved to a town of 8000 people in central Iowa; my friends there were rather evenly split between “city slickers” and “country hicks.” I became aware, however, that their fathers didn’t seem to be much more conversational than the dads of my farming friends in NW Washington. (In both locales, I overheard plenty of talk after church services, as well as in the homes of my friends and in my own home.) In other words, now more of my friends’ dads were not farmers, but they didn’t seem to talk much more than the men in Washington had–and when they did, the content of much of their conversation didn’t seem that much different, either.
When I became an adult, I started learning about generations and developed a greater understanding of the men (including my father) who had preceded me. Men of both the “Greatest Generation” (born 1901-1927, like my father) and the “Silent Generation” (born 1928-1945) were characterized by things like frugality, a strong work ethic, and respect for authority. As I thought about it, I realized that the fathers of my friends in Washington and Iowa had always had to work hard to make a living; in that context, most of them were very tired from their manual labor at the end of the day and didn’t have the energy for a lot of conversation. For my father, it was different because as a pastor, he related to a lot of different people and had to prepare weekly sermons; however, he didn’t seem to have a lot of energy for talking at the end of the day, either. When he did, a lot of it was talking to my seven siblings and me about our behavior!
I’m a late “Baby Boomer” (1946-1964), and most men of my generation have tended to have smaller families; many of us have also had jobs that are more information-driven and have also had more free time than men of preceding generations. I believe that these are primary reasons why so many men of my generation and definitely succeeding ones (Gen X, millennials, and Gen Z) have tended to be more talkative than our predecessors.
I recently came across a pair of articles about how women respond to their men, whether husbands or boyfriends. One of them was written in 2019 by Melanie Hamlett (on harpersbazaar.com) called “Men Have No Friends and Women Bear the Burden.” Her thesis is that many modern men are far too reliant on their wives/girlfriends. She writes, “Men cast their wives and girlfriends to play best friend, lover, career advisor, stylist, social secretary, emotional cheerleader, mom—to him, their future kids, or both—and eventually, on-call therapist minus the $200/hour fee; this form of emotional gold digging is not only detrimental to men, it’s exhausting an entire generation of women.” Hamlett goes on to quote various women; the common theme is that men are far too dependent on their wives/girlfriends for far too much. She goes on to write that female Gen Xers and millennials are either leaving their men or holding them accountable. In the rest of her article, Hamlett writes about a man named Scott Shepherd, who founded a small group of men on the Internet who get together to talk in-depth; this, of course, takes a good deal of the pressure off their wives/girlfriends. This is nothing new, by the way: in a large church that my family and I used to be a part of, I was part of a small group of men for ten years (2000-2010) who did just that: the difference is that we used whatever Christian book we were discussing as a springboard for sharing what was happening in our lives. On a related note: one of the pastors (now in heaven) at that church made a distinction between communication and conversation. He said that in a marriage, especially, communication was about things like schedules and finances. Conversation, on the other hand, was the “fun stuff,” discussing various topics and ideas, for example. I thought–and still think–that his distinction was brilliant. He went on to say that a healthy marital relationship would include a good deal of conversation–again, a great insight. However, as Hamlett’s article makes clear, there is a limit to how much is “good!”
The other article I recently came across is by Kathleen Wong, writing for usatoday.com; it’s called, “Girls just wanna have fun; husbands don’t have to come.” It’s about a growing tendency among older, retired women who travel with their girlfriends–or in some cases solo–while their husbands stay at home. “According to the 600 senior women surveyed, 42% said it’s because their spouse isn’t interested in traveling and 40% said they have different interests when it comes to travel.” Even though Wong doesn’t bring this out in her article, I believe that another one of the reasons that some older women like to travel together, without their husbands, is because those men are of the Baby Boomer generation and Silent Generation. As mentioned before, men of the Silent Generation, in particular, are less likely to be very conversational; men of my generation are somewhat more likely, depending on age and personality.
I’m happy to say that my wife and I enjoy traveling together; we tend to go either where we can spend time with friends and family, or to beautiful places in nature, especially national parks–and occasionally, both. We enjoy conversing, too! However, I’ve told her that if she ever wants to travel with “girlfriends,” I’m fine with it. I have five close friends, in one case going all the way back to childhood, that I feel free to share in-depth with, although it doesn’t mean that we get together in-person; we are scattered across the country.
As time goes on, American men on the whole have become more conversational. Some of this has to do with fewer jobs that require exhausting manual labor; some of it has to do with smaller families (or none at all) and more free time; and some of it has to do with the Information Age in which we are living. I think it’s obvious that modern women need their men to be conversational, but there are limits! It’s also obvious that women need other women friends, and men need other men friends. When that happens, both husbands and wives are happier in their marriages.