Can We Still Enjoy the Music of “Fallen” Christian Artists?

I suppose that for most of us who are Christians, music has played a role at least to some degree in our faith. For me, that was true when I came to saving faith at age 20. I had heard some of Amy Grant’s music at college through a friend of mine. By that time, she already had three albums, and her third one, Never Alone, came out the same year I became a Christian (1980). Her song “So Glad,” where she sings about having built her life on a “kingdom made of sand,” but then how the Lord had “torn it all away,” was foundational to my own faith. Then there was “If I Have to Die,” where she concludes that we have to die for Jesus–“That’s the struggle, don’t you see?”–meaning that we have to die to ourselves so that we can live for Jesus. Five years later, on her Unguarded album, she sings “Sharayah,” about a friend she loves who doesn’t know the Lord yet. “I care about you, I don’t wanna push you,” but “You can have life that’s everlasting.” I mention these three songs by Amy specifically because they were formative in my own faith, but I enjoyed many others as well.

In 1999, Amy received a great deal of backlash after she divorced Gary Chapman, her husband of 17 years, even moreso because Chapman had wanted to stay married. The criticism intensified when she married Vince Gill a mere 8 months after the divorce; later, she said that there had been no adultery during her marriage to Chapman. Regardless, some churches that had previously incorporated some of her music dropped it; in addition, some radio stations stopped playing it, and some Christian retailers stopped selling it. Over time, some churches, stations, and retailers brought it back. Much more recently, in 2023, Amy received backlash for hosting her lesbian niece’s wedding. Her response: “Honestly, from a faith perspective, I do always say, ‘Jesus, you just narrowed it down to two things: love God and love each other.’ I mean, hey — that’s pretty simple.”

Sandi Patty is another Christian artist whose music I started listening to a few years later. I especially loved “Hosanna” and “Unshakeable Kingdom” on her Morning Like This (1986) album. In 1993, she initiated a divorce from John Helvering; two years later, she married Don Peslis, her backup singer. She admitted to having had an affair with Peslis during her marriage to Helvering. To her credit, she confessed her sin to her church congregation, but that didn’t stop her from remarrying. As would happen with Amy Grant a few years later, some churches and radio stations pulled her music, and some Christian retailers stopped selling her albums. I noticed that Sandi is coming out with a new album this year; I might listen to a track or two out of curiosity.

Ray Boltz is a name that is probably less well-known, but the year I got married (1988), he came out with his Thank You album; the title track “Thank You” instantly became one of my favorites. 20 years later, he came out in a different way, as gay. Once again, some churches, retailers, and Christian radio stations dropped him like a hot potato. He had four kids in 33 years with his wife before divorcing her in 2008, and last year, he married a man.

A few years ago, I heard a few songs by Hillsong, including the remarkable “Man of Sorrows” (2013). The song begins with Jesus’ suffering on Good Friday and takes the listener through His glorious resurrection on Easter Sunday. Particularly since 2020, Hillsong Church has been experiencing fallout from various scandals. Without going into detail, there has been sexual immorality, most notably by former NYC pastor Carl Lentz and former “global” senior pastor Brian Houston; financial mismanagement and misuse of funds; and a toxic work environment. As a result, the number of Hillsong church “campuses” has shrunk dramatically worldwide, including dropping from 16 to 5 in the U.S.

So, what are we to make of all of this? I know that different Christians will respond differently, but here are my responses. Regarding Amy Grant, I was sad that she divorced her first husband, but I’m glad she has remained married to her second husband. I’m disappointed with her response to the criticism regarding hosting her lesbian niece’s wedding; as I’ve written elsewhere, I don’t celebrate sin and will never attend a same-sex wedding, let alone host one. Regarding Sandi Patty, I feel the same as I do about Amy regarding her divorce and second marriage. Regarding Ray Boltz, I have prayed for his salvation because the Bible is very clear about the sin of homosexuality, despite how some try to justify it. Hillsong is a more complex matter because there are so many different people involved in sin of several different kinds; I have prayed for the repentance of those involved.

In the title of this post, I posed the question of whether we can still enjoy the music of “fallen” Christian artists. I trust it’s clear by this point that when I say “fallen,” I’m referring to the Christian public’s reaction to the sin of some Christian artists; I am not saying that Amy Grant and Sandi Patty, for example, are unbelievers. For myself, I can and most certainly do still enjoy some of the music of the four artists I’ve written about, particularly the specific songs mentioned. When I listen, I don’t find the songs “tainted;” to the contrary, I still worship the Lord through them. Perhaps your experience of such music is different than mine. As always, I’d be interested in reading any comments you may have.

Acknowledging, “Including,” or Celebrating Mothers and Fathers?

My earliest memories of Mother’s Day (in the 1960s) are of my mother and the other mothers at my church wearing a corsage; similarly, my father and other fathers wore a boutonniere at church on Father’s Day. That tradition faded in the 1970s (at least where I went to church), but mothers and fathers were always acknowledged on their respective special days, usually by the pastor at least asking them to stand up while the rest of the congregation clapped. This acknowledgment was, in fact, one of many things that made me look forward to getting married and being a father someday.

Fast-forward to the 1990s, when my church (a different one) gave my wife and other mothers chocolate and/or a rose on their special day. On Father’s Day, I and the other fathers more than once received a giant cookie; one year, each of us received a can of Dad’s Root Beer! I enjoyed the creativity! However, several years into the new millennium, things began to change, most notably on Mother’s Day. Mothers were no longer given chocolate or a rose (my wife didn’t mind), but more importantly, the acknowledgment of mothers went something like this: “Today we want to celebrate all of the mothers and grandmothers here. We also want to acknowledge those women who want to be mothers, but who until now have not been blessed in that way; we acknowledge their pain. We also acknowledge those women who have suffered the devastating pain of losing children, as well as those who are unable to bear children. We acknowledge those who will become mothers in the future, as well as those women who are mother figures to others, including as mentors. We acknowledge and celebrate all women!” Later, when my wife and I discussed this, we agreed that by the end of all the acknowledgments, motherhood had been diluted to the point of being nearly meaningless. This is not to say that we ignore the kinds of pain mentioned above; neither do we dismiss the reality of those girls and women who will become mothers in the future. It doesn’t mean that we don’t value mentorship, either; we do! In fact, our daughter has been the beneficiary of mentorship by a couple of women in that church. We just think that Mother’s Day is a day to celebrate mothers; being one is hard work, day after day!

I was not surprised last month to see that there is a movement toward making Mother’s Day more “inclusive.” I noticed the phrases “diversity of family structures” and “chosen families” on more than one website, which would include kids with “two moms,” for example. I also noticed, even on a couple of denominational church websites, the inclusion of trans women on Mother’s Day; I suppose this could “include” those who fathered a child before transitioning, or those who adopted a child. I have had some concerns that the church I wrote about in the previous paragraph could move in this direction; however, they just confirmed their new lead pastor (who will be taking over next month), and I’m encouraged by some of the things he’s said in response to questions from that congregation.

At my current church, we celebrate mothers and fathers in a big way on their special day. On Mother’s Day last month, all women were given a rose and a homemade cupcake; there were photos galore following the service; and then the men and teens served everyone a potluck meal that we had prepared. I should add that our social hall was specially decorated as well. (I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the cupcakes and some of the decorations were prepared by a couple of mothers!) One of our bulletin announcements (which was also read from the pulpit) read in part as follows: “Today is Mother’s Day; may God bestow His special blessings upon every mother! Let us also take this opportunity to express our love and gratitude to our mothers!” I don’t know everything that is being planned for Father’s Day this month, but I know that many of the elements of Mother’s Day last month will be part of it–minus the roses, I trust! In truth, my wife and I wouldn’t mind somewhat scaled-down versions of these special days at our church; however, we are willing to go along with what the vast majority want to do.

I hope this can be a time for you to remember and honor your mother and father. I did not have a close relationship with my father, but one thing he modeled for me was love for my mother. I know that some people have been abused by their father and/or mother; if this describes you, maybe this can be a time for you to start working through forgiveness, if you never have. Even though my father was not abusive, I eventually learned to forgive him for what he was not able to give me. If your parents are still alive and you are still in contact, I pray that you will bless them by affirming your love for them.

Does It Matter What We Believe about Choosing or Being Chosen?

I grew up in the Reformed Calvinist tradition which, among other things, teaches that God chooses some people to be saved; this is known as predestination. Even as a child, I had some understanding of what it meant, and I believed it even before I ever read a Bible. Maybe it’s because I had at least some understanding of my own tainted heart. Since I started blogging six years ago, I have noticed that this teaching is not very popular online, to say the least. What’s interesting is that the common underlying reason I have noticed for this is that people say it’s “not fair.” More on that later.

I think a good place to start with understanding predestination is Genesis 12:1, where we read, “The Lord had said to Abram, ‘Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.'” The Lord goes on to say that He will make Abram (later changed to “Abraham”) into a great nation and will bless him. Many years later, as the nation of Israel is getting ready to enter the Promised Land, God tells them in Deuteronomy 7:6-8: “For you are a people holy to the Lord your God. The Lord your God has chosen you out of all the peoples on the face of the earth to be his people, his treasured possession. The Lord did not set his affection on you and choose you because you were more numerous than other peoples, for you were the fewest of all peoples. But it was because the Lord loved you and kept the oath he swore to your ancestors that he brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the land of slavery, from the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt.” Lest they think they are somehow better than the nations around them, two chapters later, the Lord says (Chapter 9 verse 6), “Understand, then, that it is not because of your righteousness that the Lord your God is giving you this good land to possess, for you are a stiff-necked people.” Notice two things here: 1) God chose the Israelites out of all the nations on the Earth. 2) God did not choose them because they were inherently better than the other nations; He tells them it’s because of His promise to their forefathers (starting with Abraham).

In the New Testament, in John 6:44, Jesus says this: “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day.” I’m not a Greek scholar, but I do know that the word translated as “draws” means “drags.” A straightforward interpretation of this verse is that God initiates, thus choosing those who He will save. Some have said that this means God the Father draws, or drags, everyone before they believe, and that people then choose whether to believe or not; you can decide for yourself which interpretation makes more sense.

Let’s take a look at a portion of Romans 9, verses 10-18: “Not only that, but Rebekah’s children were conceived at the same time by our father Isaac. Yet, before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad—in order that God’s purpose in election might stand:  not by works but by him who calls—she was told, ‘The older will serve the younger.’ Just as it is written: ‘Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.’ What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all!  For he says to Moses, ‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.’ It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. For Scripture says to Pharaoh: ‘I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.’ Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.”

Notice first of all this clause in the above passage: “before the twins were born or had done anything good or bad.” Then in verse 13: “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.” Given the context, this means that God chose Jacob, not Esau–again: even before they were born or had done anything good or bad. Wow. If you know the story of Jacob, you know that he was a deceiver, but he had faith. In contrast, here’s what Hebrews 12:16-17 says about Esau: “See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. Afterward, as you know, when he wanted to inherit this blessing, he was rejected. Even though he sought the blessing with tears, he could not change what he had done.” What kind of man did Esau become? Godless, a man without faith, and his descendants, the Edomites, followed in his footsteps. Second, notice the word “mercy,” used three times in this passage, including in verse 18: “God has mercy on whom He wants to have mercy.” And again, verse 16:  “It does not, therefore, depend on human desire or effort, but on God’s mercy.” Who is saved is God’s sovereign choice.

I recently read a brief discussion on another blog about Pharaoh, and since this Romans 9 passage mentions him, I want to point out that when you carefully read the account of the ten plagues in Exodus Chapters 7-11: after plagues 2 (the frogs) and 4 (the flies) we are told explicitly that “Pharaoh hardened his heart.” After plagues 6 (the boils) and 8 (the locusts), we are told explicitly, “The Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart.” Here’s how R.C. Sproul, that great theological giant, explains it in his book Chosen by God: “All that God has to do to harden people’s hearts is to remove the restraints.” About Pharaoh, he writes this: “In the act of passive hardening, God makes a decision to remove the restraints; the wicked part of the process is done by Pharaoh himself. God does no violence to Pharaoh’s will. As we said, He merely gives Pharaoh more freedom.” First, Pharaoh hardened his own heart; later, God removed the restraints, which is what “The Lord hardened Pharaoh’s heart” means. This is reminiscent of “God gave them over” in Romans 1 verses 24 and 26.

By now, it should be obvious what I believe regarding God’s choosing or ours: God chooses, and those whom He has chosen respond in faith–some at a very young age, some at a very old age, and I suppose most somewhere in between. I should add that I am aware that those who tend toward the “free-will” end of the spectrum interpret these passages (and others I haven’t mentioned) differently, but when you look at the totality of the Bible, I think the answer is clear. I should add that on the most fundamental level, the reason God chooses us is that left to ourselves, we would be completely incapable of choosing Him, as R.C. Sproul and others have said. And as Romans 3:10 says, “There is no one righteous, not even one.” At the same time, I admit that from our perspective, it appears that we do the choosing!

One question–and I admit it’s an excellent one–that those who tend toward the other end of the spectrum ask is this: If God chooses, why bother with evangelizing? I can think of three answers. First, before Jesus ascended to heaven following His resurrection, He said in Matthew 28:19-20, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.” Thanks to seekingdivineperspective, a fellow blogger, for this addition from her blog: in Luke 5:4-5, Jesus tells Peter to let down the nets in deep water. In his response, Peter includes these words: “Because you say so.” Yes, I tell others about Jesus because He says so! Second, I tell others about Jesus because I don’t know who He has chosen and who He hasn’t. Third, I do it because I want to experience the incredible blessing of having a part in seeing someone come to faith in Christ! And I have!

Another thing I have heard is something like this: But doesn’t God’s choosing you give you a sense of pride? My answer: Far from it. Like the OT Israelites, I was not better than anyone else. God chose me for His own reasons, and I want to live a life of thankfulness and obedience in return. And in fact, there’s a danger in pride from the free-will end of the spectrum; after all, from that point of view, you did the choosing, not God.

It’s time to return to the first part of the question in the title of this post: Does it matter? Yes, it does. Let me illustrate: several years ago, a good friend of my wife was in tears because a friend had died; not only that, but she was an unbeliever, and my wife’s friend said a few days prior, she had felt compelled to share the Gospel with her–but hadn’t done it. She added it was because of her failure that her friend was now in hell. While we were glad that she realized she should have shared the Gospel (which she would be more likely to do in the future), she was not responsible for her friend being in hell; in fact, she didn’t even know for sure, of course, if she was there. Maybe she had come to faith in Christ in some other way. From my perspective, if she was one of God’s chosen people, she had come to saving faith before death and is with Him now.

Perhaps the most fundamental reason I think it matters what we believe about who chooses is that it’s connected to the teaching of eternal security; in other words, those of us who believe that God chooses can be 100% sure that it is impossible to lose your salvation. I have met plenty of people, however (some in person, some online) who think that it is possible to lose it. That makes sense from a free-will perspective; if you choose to come to faith in Christ, it is also possible to walk away. It is true, of course, that there are people who leave the church and even very publicly renounce their faith; however, those people show that they were never really Christians in the first place. Even so, they still have the chance to repent as long as they are alive.

I mentioned near the outset that many people I have come across don’t think it’s “fair” that God chooses some and not others. My response is: what’s “fair” is that every person who has ever lived, including me, deserves to go to hell. The fact that I’m not going there is because of the Lord’s mercy, as Romans 9 tells us.

If you tend toward the free-will end of the spectrum, don’t worry; I’m not condemning you! You can believe that and still be my brother or sister in Christ. However, I would encourage you to continue searching the Scriptures for yourself. If you are not a Christian, my prayer is that you would investigate the claims of Christianity; you may find, as I did starting at age 20, that Jesus is the only One Who can give you the peace and joy that your heart longs for.

What Do Woke Churches Look Like?

I’ve been reading a book called No Reason to Hide by Erwin Lutzer; it’s a call for Christians to stand firm in a world which is becoming increasingly hostile to Christianity. One of the chapters is about woke churches. Trying to define “woke” is not as easy as it might first appear, as definitions vary according to the source. Going back to the early 1960s, it meant conscious and aware, or well-informed and up-to-date. In 2017, it came to mean “alert to racial or social discrimination and injustice,” according to the Oxford dictionary. Previous to that, following the deaths of Trayvon Martin and Michael Brown in 2013 and 2014, the word “woke” came to be associated with the Black Lives Matter movement and before long the LGBTQ community as well.

Lutzer writes about a church that has an all-white staff but a very diverse congregation. Following the Charlottesville riot in 2017, the staff began to warn against Christian nationalism, which I think is wise. However, following the death of George Floyd in 2020, the leadership began to publicly pray for “Black Lives Matter,” but then also “Hispanic Lives Matter” and “Asian Lives Matter.” No mention was made that “White Lives Matter,” even when white people were murdered. As the riots continued over the next few years, the pastor bought into the nonsensical narrative that the demonstrations were “mostly peaceful.” You may be familiar with the instance of CNN national correspondent Omar Jimenez reporting from Kenosha, WI, in August 2020, standing in front of a raging fire with this graphic on the screen: “FIERY BUT MOSTLY PEACEFUL PROTESTS AFTER POLICE SHOOTING.” This was very widely mocked in much of the media, but perhaps the pastor had been misinformed. However, when a man who was part of the church brought it to his attention, the pastor called him “selfish.” Sermons in this church became focused on social justice, encouraging the congregation to become “involved in the fight for racial and economic equity.” This man further wrote, “No longer did we hear that Christ can redeem sin and evil. We were not asked to share the gospel with our lost neighbors. Rather, we were told that we whites were to be blamed for all the rage that was happening around us. The unity we once knew has given way to blaming some and excusing others.”

Thankfully, my city has been spared the rioting that has happened elsewhere over the past decade or so. However, some churches here have “gone woke.” One of them had been trending for a while in the direction of being supportive of people in the LGBTQ community. However, when I read their “social justice” statements about racism, gender equality, and LGBTQ+ (among others), I understood why about two-thirds of the congregation recently left and formed their own, more-conservative church.

Another church in my city is part of a denomination that has been “open and affirming” in welcoming and including people in the LGBTQ community. They have also taken perverse pride in having had the first openly lesbian pastor in that denomination. During the COVID lockdowns, they took it a step further, at least publicly, with a large mural of an LGBTQ rainbow flag on one side of their church; they also had a large Black Lives Matter sign on their property. You may think by this point that I am against Black Lives Matter; I am, but only in the sense of the very corrupt organization, which is finally under investigation by the DOJ for gross financial mismanagement and alleged embezzlement by some in its leadership. In addition, as I have written about in another post, Black Lives Matter has had as one of its goals to “disrupt the Western-prescribed nuclear family structure.” Perhaps most supporters of BLM have not known about this mismanagement and the aforementioned goal. Regardless, the truth is that all lives matter, not just black ones!

A third church that has been moving in the woke direction for many years is one that my family and I used to be a part of. The leadership used to preach about the sin of homosexuality about once a year; however, when a new pastor (now gone) took over several years ago, things began to change. I have a close friend who used to serve in the college ministry. One night, a student asked what the Bible says about homosexuality; my friend told her, focusing on Romans 1. Another leader overheard all of this and told my friend, “You hate gays.” This was in spite of the fact that my friend was responding to the student’s question! Regarding the new pastor: the only thing I heard him say about homosexuality, at least from the pulpit, was that the second half of Romans 1 was not even about that. While it is true that not all of verses 18-32 of that chapter are about homosexuality, verses 24-27 very clearly are, so his statement was very misleading, at best. My friend told me that he had talked to the pastor about this, saying we shouldn’t assume that young people today (like that college student) know what the Bible says about homosexuality; the pastor’s response was that if he preached about that sin, half the congregation would leave. Well, since then, even though he didn’t preach about it, more than half the congregation has left. I think a lot of the pastor’s reluctance had to do with the fact that there are some lesbians in the congregation; he also has a lesbian relative. Interestingly, I recently ran into another pastor who had been over the senior adults of that church; he very recently retired but said that he had been nudged out. He said that the church had “gone woke.”

Thankfully, there is new hope for my former church; the head pastor I wrote about in the previous paragraph stepped down last year, and they are in the process of “vetting” a new pastoral candidate. Based on his responses to a series of questions, including some specific ones related to human sexuality, I believe he can lead the church in the right direction.

At my church, there are three brothers who give our pastor a “break” by taking turns preaching on the last Sunday of the month. One of them recently preached on 1 Corinthians 5; in this chapter, the Apostle Paul sharply rebukes the Corinthians for being proud of a man in their midst who was sleeping with his stepmother! As an application of Paul’s teaching to contemporary American society, this brother wanted to preach about homosexuality, but he decided to talk to the pastor first. The pastor’s response to this brother’s intention was “Oh, good! That is especially important for our teens to hear!” When I heard this, I thought of the pastor who stepped down from my previous church last year and what his response would have been in that situation!

As Christians, I believe we need to be attuned to matters of social justice; however, we need to first be focused on the Gospel. If we’re not, we will inevitably water it down to the point where we may even hear this absurdity at the end of a prayer: “Amen and awoman.” This was spoken by Congressman Emanuel Cleaver at the close of an opening prayer for the new Congress in January of 2021. More than one pundit quipped that at restaurants, we may need to have a menu and a “womanu.” I would also quip that we should have a menu and a “womenu” to be grammatically consistent! Admittedly, this did not happen at a church, but Cleaver is an ordained minister.

On a more serious note, I love these words from Lutzer: “We must distinguish between accepting a person and approving of their conduct. Every human being is created in the image of God and deserves to be treated with dignity and respect, but not every human being deserves approval for their conduct and lifestyle. We can be welcoming even when we cannot be affirming.” Amen to that! As Ephesians 4:15 tells us, we need to be “speaking the truth in love” and to leave the results to the Lord. I think it is clear that God’s people want to hear His Word clearly spoken and explained; when church leaders do this, people will come–and stay–to hear it.

Is In-Person Incivility on the Rise?

My church recently had a yard sale as part of a missions fundraiser. On our church lawn, there was a designated area for free items; anybody was free to stop by and take items at no cost. We were just glad to get rid of them! One woman stopped by and wanted to take a good number of the freebies, so my wife emptied a plastic bin that was holding a good number of them and put them in a bag for her. Almost immediately, another woman grabbed the plastic bin; my wife told her that the bin was not meant to be a freebie but simply a storage container. The woman responded that since the bin was in the designated free area, she had the right to take it. My wife had put her hand on the bin, but the woman jerked it away from her. The woman proceeded to put some freebies in the bin (!), and my wife offered to help her, but she declined. I later told my wife that if I had been part of that interaction, I would have said something like, “OK, this is now between you and God.” I think my wife really is my better half!

At a church we used to be a part of, one Sunday after the service, there was a preschool-age girl running around outside in an area with a large number of people gathered around. Predictably, she ran into a woman, fell down, started crying, and ran to her mother, who was standing nearby. The woman started trying to explain what had happened, but the mother just glared at her and then walked away, with her daughter in tow; thankfully, she at least kept her mouth shut.

A few years ago, a young couple who are friends of ours were driving up a mountain road in the snow. Their car slid off the road onto the shoulder, but thankfully, both they and their car were fine. There were a good number of other vehicles on the road that day; some of the other drivers were honking and yelling, and at least one even flipped them off. After a bit, our friends were able to maneuver back onto the road and continue driving.

Recently on nextdoor.com, a woman posted about her nonverbal son, who relies on specialized support and is picked up daily by a small bus whose driver has been specially trained; the process of loading and unloading kids on such buses takes extra time and requires specific procedures. Other drivers going either direction are supposed to stop and wait. The mother reported that recently, other drivers have been honking and yelling, including with profanity and “aggressive behavior” directed at both her and the driver. To her credit, this mother’s main concern is for the kids who are witnessing this hostility; she asks for a little patience, empathy, and common sense.

I believe that all four of these incidents can be explained by incivility, which various research studies have found to be on the rise. I’m sure no one is surprised anymore by online incivility, where people can anonymously fire their poison darts; however, people have reported plenty of in-person incivility as well. In a survey conducted in late May of last year called “The Civility Paradox” (reported by the IW Group), Americans reported weekly and even daily instances of incivility both online (34%) and in person (33%). I suppose unsurprisingly, twice as many Americans report society as being uncivil (53%) as civil (26%).

A lot of reported incivility is in the workplace; that makes sense, given the fact that most American adults spend a substantial part of each day there. Examples given include interrupting, ignoring, and gossiping, as well as eye-rolling, making faces, and standing too close.

Much of the blame for incivility is laid on politicians and media influencers. In support of that, I have noticed that congressional hearings have become an oxymoron in many cases; no one seems to be listening to anyone on the other side of the aisle but instead just wants to yell; that’s what draws attention and gets more clicks. An aside: thankfully, high-school debate is one area where our teens can learn civility; both my wife and I have judged at several speech events.

Interestingly, here is how respondents in the aforementioned survey see themselves. They:

  • Take responsibility for their actions (89%)
  • Treat others with respect, even when they disagree (80%)
  • Try to understand others’ perspectives before responding (77%)

However, here is how the respondents see others:

  • Only 30% said most people can be trusted
  • Only 43% said they believe people are generally kind
  • Only 50% say they believe most people try to do the right thing

An interesting disparity! Betsy Emmons, Ph.D., Associate Professor of advertising and public relations at the University of Nebraska, says, “The third-person effect in this research—where people think they are civil, but others are not—is significant. It suggests that we need to help people recognize that most people aspire to be civil, despite our perceptions of others. These insights can spark important conversations.”

One sign of hope: The study finds that 63% of Americans believe responsibility for civility starts with individuals, rather than institutions, communities, or leaders. I am wholeheartedly in this 63% “camp.” The top actions respondents believe can make a difference include teaching children strong values at home (43%), speaking and listening more respectfully (37%), and practicing empathy even when disagreeing (30%). One thing I would add is that when interacting face-to-face, people are much more likely to be civil than when posting online, especially when the latter is done anonymously.

I am glad to report that, with one or two exceptions, my interactions with others here in the WordPress blogosphere over the last six years have been very civil. We don’t always agree with one another–and I wouldn’t expect us to–but at least when we do disagree, my experience has been that we are able to do so respectfully. Let’s continue in that vein.