Is In-Person Incivility on the Rise?

My church recently had a yard sale as part of a missions fundraiser. On our church lawn, there was a designated area for free items; anybody was free to stop by and take items at no cost. We were just glad to get rid of them! One woman stopped by and wanted to take a good number of the freebies, so my wife emptied a plastic bin that was holding a good number of them and put them in a bag for her. Almost immediately, another woman grabbed the plastic bin; my wife told her that the bin was not meant to be a freebie but simply a storage container. The woman responded that since the bin was in the designated free area, she had the right to take it. My wife had put her hand on the bin, but the woman jerked it away from her. The woman proceeded to put some freebies in the bin (!), and my wife offered to help her, but she declined. I later told my wife that if I had been part of that interaction, I would have said something like, “OK, this is now between you and God.” I think my wife really is my better half!

At a church we used to be a part of, one Sunday after the service, there was a preschool-age girl running around outside in an area with a large number of people gathered around. Predictably, she ran into a woman, fell down, started crying, and ran to her mother, who was standing nearby. The woman started trying to explain what had happened, but the mother just glared at her and then walked away, with her daughter in tow; thankfully, she at least kept her mouth shut.

A few years ago, a young couple who are friends of ours were driving up a mountain road in the snow. Their car slid off the road onto the shoulder, but thankfully, both they and their car were fine. There were a good number of other vehicles on the road that day; some of the other drivers were honking and yelling, and at least one even flipped them off. After a bit, our friends were able to maneuver back onto the road and continue driving.

Recently on nextdoor.com, a woman posted about her nonverbal son, who relies on specialized support and is picked up daily by a small bus whose driver has been specially trained; the process of loading and unloading kids on such buses takes extra time and requires specific procedures. Other drivers going either direction are supposed to stop and wait. The mother reported that recently, other drivers have been honking and yelling, including with profanity and “aggressive behavior” directed at both her and the driver. To her credit, this mother’s main concern is for the kids who are witnessing this hostility; she asks for a little patience, empathy, and common sense.

I believe that all four of these incidents can be explained by incivility, which various research studies have found to be on the rise. I’m sure no one is surprised anymore by online incivility, where people can anonymously fire their poison darts; however, people have reported plenty of in-person incivility as well. In a survey conducted in late May of last year called “The Civility Paradox” (reported by the IW Group), Americans reported weekly and even daily instances of incivility both online (34%) and in person (33%). I suppose unsurprisingly, twice as many Americans report society as being uncivil (53%) as civil (26%).

A lot of reported incivility is in the workplace; that makes sense, given the fact that most American adults spend a substantial part of each day there. Examples given include interrupting, ignoring, and gossiping, as well as eye-rolling, making faces, and standing too close.

Much of the blame for incivility is laid on politicians and media influencers. In support of that, I have noticed that congressional hearings have become an oxymoron in many cases; no one seems to be listening to anyone on the other side of the aisle but instead just wants to yell; that’s what draws attention and gets more clicks. An aside: thankfully, high-school debate is one area where our teens can learn civility; both my wife and I have judged at several speech events.

Interestingly, here is how respondents in the aforementioned survey see themselves. They:

• Take responsibility for their actions (89%)
• Treat others with respect, even when they disagree (80%)
• Try to understand others’ perspectives before responding (77%)

However, here is how the respondents see others:

• Only 30% said most people can be trusted
• Only 43% said they believe people are generally kind
• Only 50% say they believe most people try to do the right thing

An interesting disparity! Betsy Emmons, Ph.D., Associate Professor of advertising and public relations at the University of Nebraska, says, “The third-person effect in this research—where people think they are civil, but others are not—is significant. It suggests that we need to help people recognize that most people aspire to be civil, despite our perceptions of others. These insights can spark important conversations.”

One sign of hope: The study finds that 63% of Americans believe responsibility for civility starts with individuals, rather than institutions, communities, or leaders. I am wholeheartedly in this 63% “camp.” The top actions respondents believe can make a difference include teaching children strong values at home (43%), speaking and listening more respectfully (37%), and practicing empathy even when disagreeing (30%). One thing I would add is that when interacting face-to-face, people are much more likely to be civil than when posting online, especially when the latter is done anonymously.

I am glad to report that, with one or two exceptions, my interactions with others here in the WordPress blogosphere over the last six years have been very civil. We don’t always agree with one another–and I wouldn’t expect us to–but at least when we do disagree, my experience has been that we are able to do so respectfully. Let’s continue in that vein.