Do You Regret Having Kids?

Earlier this week, influencer Chappell Roan sparked a firestorm when she commented, “All of my friends who have kids are in hell. I don’t know anyone, I actually don’t know anyone who’s happy and has children, at this age [under 6]. I have not met anyone who’s happy, anyone who has light in their eyes, anyone who’s slept.” She joked that she doesn’t know why her parents had kids; she’s 27 and has three younger siblings. (Are you thankful, Chappell Roan, that your parents had you?!)

Roan’s comment seems to imply that at least some of her friends regret having kids, which prompted me to investigate the main reasons that some parents have this regret. An article by Julia Pugachevsky on businessinsider.com highlighted six common reasons why people regret having kids, even if they had really wanted them in the first place.

1. Loss of independence. This has a lot to do with the loss of freedom.

2. The cost of childcare. The average annual cost of childcare is around $11,000. Here I would add the cost of raising a child for those of us who don’t put our kids in daycare.

3. Not having a good relationship with the other parent. This needs no explanation.

4. Experiencing postpartum depression. I found it interesting that this can also apply to men.

5. The timing. This usually has to do with having kids when you’re “too young.”

6. Fear of the future. Another way of expressing this is uncertainty about the future.

I would add at least one other prominent reason:

7. Ungrateful, unhelpful, complaining, demanding kids. I will give examples in a bit.

I also looked at other websites and found plenty of specific examples of people who had regrets about having children. In August of 2021, Amatullah Shaw posted an article on buzzfeed.com about 15 parents who regret having kids. https://www.buzzfeed.com/amatullahshaw/parents-are-sharing-regret

• Toomanykidsnotenoughtime (a mother) says, “There are times that I long for a life without kids to go back to the life I had before, where things felt simpler.” This is a combination of reasons 1 and 5 (above); she decided to have kids shortly after graduating from college. In addition, one of her kids has a disability.
• Shortp (a mother) says, “I often regret having him because we are poor, in massive crippling debt, and living with an inconsiderate family member.” She also says, “Lately he is mean and tells me he hates me when I tell him no.” The first part includes the expense of raising a child (Reason 2); the second part highlights reason 7.
• Thedeleted73 (a father) says, “The relationship with my daughter is fine, but my son (15) has become a bully and a liar who wants nothing to do with me.” (Reason 7) Also, “If you’re going to have kids, do it with someone you love and expect to grow old with.” (Reason 3)
• Anonymous (a mother) says, “Having a toddler has tested my patience like nothing else, and I struggle with my anger. I feel like having a child was the worst decision I ever made. I had a truly fulfilling life before, traveling the world and working in a job I loved that tested me intellectually every day.” (Reason 1)
• Irishcream412 sometimes regrets bringing her/his child into the world because people are awful to each other as well as concerns about resource depletion and pollution. (Reason 6)
• Anonymous says, “[I] love my kids but don’t like them as people. I made them but can’t wait for them to leave. So messed up.” (Reason 7)

However, there are some people who regret not having kids. Hannah Loewentheil on buzzfeed.com (Sept. 26, 2024) posted an article about whether parents regret having–or not having–children. https://www.buzzfeed.com/hannahloewentheil/regrets-about-parenthood I will focus primarily on two groups of people: those who regret not having had kids and those who at a younger age were adamant about not having kids, but then changed their minds:

• Anjali L. shares how she had never wanted kids. However, “My son is a wonderful little boy who has changed me. He is so sweet even when I am impatient, forcing me to change. I fell more in love with my husband when I saw what a loving father he is to him.” She found that she loved her son–as well as what sounds like a great husband and father!
• Rodney T. says, “Now, at 61, for the first time in my life, I think about what will happen when I die. It makes me sad to think that not too long afterward, I’ll probably just be a vague memory for a few people. All the ‘stuff’ I’ve accumulated all these years will be in the landfill or Goodwill, and all this was just a waste. I think about how much I missed being revered as Dad.” I find this insightful, but very sad.
• Stayce also says something very poignant: “I’m going to be alone for the rest of my life. I will never have a child who I will see get married, and I’ll never have grandchildren. That breaks my heart.”
• AT S. says, “I often worry about living a lonesome, empty life, still single now and without any family to call my own. Being an aunt and a teacher is not the same as having had my children in this life. I suppose? The moment has passed me by, and I have remorsefully found myself in utter regret.”
• Donna M. knew “for sure” that she didn’t want to have children; however, she did, and now she says, “Today, when I look at my daughter, my sweet Kira, I can’t imagine my life without her. I am so glad I changed my mind.”

It’s clear that people can have regrets either for having kids–or for not having kids. For myself, even as a young boy, I looked forward to being married and having kids; I think a lot of this had to do with my parents’ great relationship, although I didn’t understand that until I became an adult. I had heard over and over that children were a gift from the Lord, so even as an unsaved boy, I understood Psalm 127:3: “Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.“ My wife and I have two of those gifts, now both adults. At times, they have driven me crazy! I have been angry, exasperated, and confused at times, but regardless, I have loved them.

I hear a lot of people say, “I just want my kids to be happy.” What I want above all is to see my kids walking with the Lord–and thankfully, they are. That doesn’t mean they’re perfect or always easy to interact with, however! I have written before about my daughter, who has presented special challenges to my wife and me because she is on the autism spectrum (high-functioning); you can read about her here: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2023/07/13/adventures-in-autism/ We don’t understand why the Lord made her this way, but with His help, we have learned over the years how to love her better, however imperfectly; additionally, the church that we are a part of has been very loving to her. She will be taking a big step of independence soon, with her own apartment just a few miles away from us, and she is excited about that. Regarding my son: I couldn’t be happier that he has become a student of the Word and a Bible-study leader at his church.

As I was doing research for this post, one negative that came up more than once was having a spouse who is either not involved, or involved negatively, in the raising of the kids. In contrast, I have been blessed with a great wife, and my kids have been blessed with a great mother. One thing we like to do when our son comes home for a visit is to reminisce while at the same time creating new memories. If you have kids, regardless of their (and your!) current age, my prayer for you is that you will also create special memories that will last a lifetime. If you are married but don’t want to have kids now, that may change some day. And if you are single and want to stay that way, without kids, perhaps 1 Corinthians 7:8 applies to you: “Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” Regardless, if you know the Lord, may you continue to seek His will for your life.