Changing Praise Practices in Education

Several years ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing our rather-similar early childhoods (in the 1960s, but in different states), and we somehow ended up talking about praise, or the lack thereof, both at school and at home. One conclusion we had both come to independently of each other is that our teachers and parents didn’t want us kids to develop a “big head.” When I recently discussed this with my wife, who grew up at the same time in yet another state, she said the same thing. Although I haven’t seen this documented, the same experience of at least three different people in widely-separated states has convinced me that both our experience and at least one reason for it were probably the norm. This doesn’t mean that our parents and teachers were “mean” (although some were), but simply that we were expected to behave in certain ways; if we did, that’s what we were supposed to do, but if we didn’t, we could expect some kind of consequence. In addition, schools and parents were very much in lockstep; if our parents received a phone call from our school about disruptive behavior, they didn’t question the teacher or administrator in a defensive manner, but at the very least chewed us out. (Yes, I experienced this personally!)

Fast-forward two generations, into the 1990s. I don’t know about where you live, but in my city, bumper stickers like this became rather common: “My child was a student of the month at…” and “My child is a star student at…” I haven’t seen those around for at least ten years; one of the reasons is that schools didn’t want to be liable for kids/cars becoming targets of jealousy. In fact, my wife heard that at least one school had expressed concern about such stickers possibly making the kids more likely to become targets of kidnappers. In a similar vein, one year, a photography company contracted by our son’s school gave parents the option of a class photograph with their child’s photo centered and enlarged compared with classmates and the teacher. Talk about a big head! My wife and I both felt disgusted by this option and did not get the class photo. We certainly loved our son, but we didn’t want him to think he was more important than everyone else in the photo. Thankfully, that kind of class-photo option did not reappear the following year! I should add here, in contrast to the 1960s, that it wasn’t hard to notice parents had become much more defensive about their children’s behavior in general, and certainly more specifically at school; after all, their child was a “star!”

Other similar manifestations of praise around that time from schools were slogans like, “You’re special!” and “You’re awesome!” and “You can do or be anything!” While I didn’t mind the first slogan so much, the second and third ones bothered me because they’re very generalized, and the third one, in particular, is not true. What does it even mean to say that a person is awesome? And while every child has specific talents and skills, that doesn’t mean they can be successful at anything and everything!

There is plenty of research that concludes the following: when children are praised for specific talents and accomplishments, they take the praise as sincere; when they are praised in a very general way, they eventually don’t view it sincerely. Dr. Lisa Firestone, the Director of Research and Education at The Glendon Association, writes, “Self-esteem isn’t about telling kids that everything they do is terrific. A real sense of self-worth is based on the skills they build for themselves and the true accomplishments they feel they’ve made. However, many parents have the tendency to build up their kids with false or exaggerated statements. For example, instead of saying, ‘What a creative painting! You really worked hard on that,’ they may say something like, ‘Wow! What a wonderful artist you are! You’re so talented! You’re the best painter I’ve ever seen.’”

Firestone goes on to say that when parents overpraise their kids, they may feel entitled; inadequate; disappointed; and less interested in activities. The first three have to do with kids eventually realizing that they are not as able as their parents have led them to believe. To illustrate the final one–children becoming less interested in activities–she tells the story of a young boy who used to love baseball and took pride in his little-league games until his dad became involved. His loud yells during games made the boy feel embarrassed and resentful, and baseball became a performance. He soon lost interest and stopped playing baseball altogether. I should add that not every child is going to react the same way as this boy did, but it is a cautionary tale for parents; it’s certainly possible to be supportive without being, frankly, obnoxious!

Fast-forward another three decades, and we see the strange rise of Critical Race Theory (CRT) in education. It’s actually been around since at least 1989, but following George Floyd’s death four years ago, it became much more in vogue in some states. It soon started to come to light that in some schools, kids were being told (more explicitly in some cases than others) that whites were oppressors and blacks were victims. Some programs advocated by educators seemed just too ridiculous to be true: the Oregon Department of Education, for example, advertised a course for middle-school teachers in early 2021 that included a list of ways “white supremacy culture” allegedly “infiltrates math classrooms.” Those included the focus on “getting the ‘right’ answer” and students being “required to show their work.” As you might guess, there was a backlash: At least 44 states have taken steps to restrict teaching CRT and/or limit how teachers can discuss racism. I mention CRT here because it is very different from the overpraising of kids that had been going on 30 years prior, and in fact is in opposition to it.

What are we to make of all this? First of all, I would hope that parents want to praise, but not overpraise, their kids; we ought to be selective and specific in our praise so that our kids will perceive it as sincere. That way, our kids will be better able to gauge their talents and abilities. I wouldn’t want to return to the scarcity of praise in the 1960s, but neither do I want to see the effects on society of parents overpraising. Regarding Critical Race Theory: I would hope that regardless of which side of the political aisle you’re on, you would not want to see it perpetuated. Of course, our kids should understand our nation’s history, including its worst aspects. However, CRT promotes lies and racial division for no good reason.

The Apostle Paul in 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says: “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” The context of this is that one day, those of us who know and love the Lord will be with Him forever. However, I believe we can rightfully apply this to our interactions with people of all ages, not just kids, in terms of specifically praising them in using their talents and abilities to do the right thing.