I’ve always loved reading, primarily fiction, and I have definitely had more time to read since my retirement in 2020. One author I discovered last year is Charles Martin, a Christian whose characters sometimes remain in my mind long after I have finished the book. Some of his books have a reading group guide, including Unwritten. One of the questions in the guide for that book that caused me to pause and think not just that day but over several weeks was this: “Is the act of mourning about the person lost, or the person who is mourning?”
This question stuck with me first of all because it is a very profound one that I had never thought about before. (A point of clarification: ”Grieving” refers to feelings of sadness, while “mourning” refers to the outward expression of those feelings, whether it be through crying, talking, writing… In the context of Martin’s book, “grieving” is probably a more apt word than “mourning,” although they both fit to some degree.) Second, I lost three of my siblings over a period of ten months starting in late 2020. I was responsible for the seemingly endless details related to things like memorial services and estates for two of them; as a result, I “took the time” to mourn, but not necessarily to grieve. Maybe that’s one reason feelings of grief sometimes pop up when I don’t expect them. My wife expressed the same thing several months after her mother died a few years ago; we were having dinner with several people when she suddenly felt overwhelmed with grief, so she excused herself from the table, went into the restroom, and cried.
Like virtually everything, I have thought about Martin’s question through the lens of Scripture, and I have come to a point of clarity. All three of my siblings (plus another who died a few years ago) were Christians, which means they are now in heaven, in the presence of the Lord Himself. When I think about my sister who loved to sing and dance in this life, I think of her doing that in heaven. In this life, she had a mental handicap, but now I wonder, with a kind of awe, what she is like without it, free from its limitations! When I think about my other sister as well as my brother, I remember them when they were healthy in every way, with laughter and good conversation in abundance; I also remember them, however, near the ends of their lives, when both had dementia. I realize that I was grieving for them already because in a very real sense I had already lost them. Now I rejoice as I think of them being free from their dementia in the Lord’s presence. The fact is, I find it impossible to grieve for them! On the other hand, I still grieve sometimes because I miss them, but I look forward to being reunited with them the day the Lord takes me home.
There are other people I have known and loved whose salvation I’m not at all sure about. Some of them are deceased, and some I have lost touch with. For those in the first category, I have grieved for them because they are probably not in heaven; for those who may still be alive, when they come to mind, I pray that they will come to saving faith in Jesus Christ. For those who I know have already died, praying for them is meaningless. Hebrews 9:27-28 says, “Just as man is destined to die once, and after that to face judgment, so Christ was sacrificed once to take away the sins of many people; and he will appear a second time, not to bear sin, but to bring salvation to those who are waiting for him.”
Contrary to these verses, I know there are some who believe that after death, people get a “second chance.” Tony Campolo is a speaker, author, and pastor, some of whose books my wife and I enjoyed early in our marriage. However, several years ago, my wife read a book in which Campolo indicated he thought that at least some deceased people (those who regretted not trusting Christ) would get a second chance to make it to heaven. This is a very dangerous teaching (reminiscent of the Catholic teaching of Purgatory) and is not supported by Scripture; it tends to be believed by people who can’t stand the idea of people they have known and loved being in hell. While I certainly don’t “like” the idea of people I have loved not being in heaven, I know that the Lord is just; people have the opportunity to put their faith in Him as long as they are still alive.
If you have not yet put your faith and trust in the Lord Jesus Christ, my prayer for you is that you will do so today.
To the Remnant 
I found that the biblical teaching that people who do not accept Jesus Christ as their personal Lord and Savior are destined for hell (to put it bluntly) is the chief emotional as opposed to intellectual objection that non-Christians have to the gospel message. To be perfectly honest, before I accepted Christ I also had problems with this teaching.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Tony, that is probably true of many non-Christians; it is one of many excuses they use to reject Christ. I referred to believers, as well, who can’t stand the idea of people they have known and loved being in hell; Tony Campolo’s son, Bart, is one of those. He said that he felt sad about unbelieving friends of his going to hell, to the point where he is even closer than his dad to universalism regarding salvation.
As always, Tony, I appreciate your comment!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for sending me links to this and to the Reflections article. Grief cannot be nailed down, as it is unique to each individual and situation. I grieved for each of my parents and my oldest brother who had Down Syndrome, but we were not as close as we could have been because of time and great distances.
When my wife died four months ago, a part of me died with her. I considered ending it all because of that and other mountains in my life. The struggles are greater some days than others, as you have undoubtedly experienced yourself. I’ve learned that “it’s okay not to be okay” and be suddenly overcome by something.
I’m looking forward to seeing my brother and father, both in their right minds, and my wife and mother, free from pain.
LikeLiked by 2 people
There are certain common characteristics of grief, but I agree that it is unique to each individual and situation. If the Lord takes my wife home before me, I know that the grief is going to be different than it has been with my siblings and parents; I believe that I will need friends and family around me like never before. In that regard, I’m so sorry about your wife.
You’re right that some days are harder than others, but yes, it’s OK to allow ourselves to experience the feelings. As I wrote, sometimes grief pops up when I don’t expect it, and I find myself missing my brother, in particular; we were very close. I imagine him as well as my other siblings, parents, and others in heaven, and I look forward to seeing them again even more.
May our Lord continue to comfort you as only He can.
LikeLike
It’s true, there are certain common characteristics of grief, and it’s unique to each individual and situation. The grief I felt after the death of my parents, was different then, when our first-born, a daughter died after just 23 days of life. The grief after a divorce, after 19 years of marriage, lingered for years. But the most painful, and devastating, was when my wife, after 17 years of marriage passed away a little over two years ago.
After her passing, I wrote a book. I think the ending fits this post.
Every day of life leaves us one day closer to the end of our earthly existence, our expiration date, when our entry in God’s Book of Life will be inscribed … My secret sins, every event both major or minor, each word spoken, my every action and consideration—in sum, the totality of my life—are known to the Creator. This boundless archive exists for all who have ever lived and died.
Everyone is a part of God’s marvelous master plan: the peculiar timing of weather events; an improbable meeting or miraculous chance encounter; a visit to a place you’d never been before, located in the middle of nowhere with someone you haven’t seen in decades; each miraculous chance encounter, … all contributing to a life’s worth of singular experiences. Whatever God orchestrates includes strategies and designs to carry out His purposes.
Clearly, life presents an inconceivable number of variables. Yet, for those who are called according to His purpose, these unknowns tend to work together for good. We don’t have to understand why evil exists’ but must acknowledge that God remains in control, no matter what. And remember the words of the prophet Jeremiah (Lamentations 3:32-33), despite a life filled with hardship, could still write: “But though he cause grief, yet will he have compassion according to the multitude of his mercies. For he doth not afflict willingly, nor grieve the children of men.”
Unbelievers, atheists, and pagans—whether they know it or not, their lives are tapestries, woven together and intertwined in accordance with God’s plan. And though they purpose evil, it hinders not the designs and intentions of God. Even mighty Pharaoh could not hinder God’s plan of deliverance for His people of Israel….
For those who love and serve the Lord, there will still be many trials and a great deal of pain. The just and unjust are equally susceptible to countless tribulations. I don’t understand how the tragic events I’ve described could possibly promote God’s plans, purposes, and objectives. In this regard, we are no different than Job, who struggled to understand God’s reasonings for the righteous to suffer so egregiously, through no fault of their own. Job lost everything: his health, wealth, his seven sons and three daughters. Only his wife survived, and she brought him no comfort, for when these calamities befell them, she lost her trust in God, and admonished him, “Dost thou still retain thine integrity? Curse God and die” (Job 2:9).
As I advance in years, the longer the list grows of those I know who became widows and widowers. And some of those who read this book can be counted among that doleful assemblage. Others may be young, with many years of life before their final day. I suspect the majority will be seniors, who have seen the passage of many days and years. No matter your place on the list, you’ll still have gifts to contribute, wisdom to bestow, love to share, and the Lord’s work to complete. And at the end of our life’s journey, be it long or short, we will once again see our loved ones, in a place where death, nor pain, nor sorrow exist, and God wipes away all tears.
“Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter:
Fear God, and keep his commandments:
for this is the whole duty of man.”
– Ecclesiastes 12:13 –
From
“7,000 Miles of Life Perspectives”
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings, Michael. We e-mailed back and forth a good deal two years ago, including about your grief following the death of your wife; in truth, I was grieving with you at times. Thankfully, my wife of 35+ years is still with me; I know that if the Lord takes her home before me, I will experience grief like never before, and I will need people, especially believers, around me like never before.
I’m so thankful for the sureness of your being with your wife again in heaven.
LikeLike
After 35 years of marriage, no matter which spouse meets the Lord first, they will experience grief like never before. As one song puts it, “a widow walking through a Vail of tears.”
Speaking of the sureness of being with my wife again in heaven, for the eulogy this is a bit of what I said:
“All human life has a beginning … and, inevitably, an expiration date. A day when the spirit of life returns to God, the giver of life. Maribeth’s story of our life together ended on August 26, 2021; two days short of our 17th wedding anniversary. She died from heart failure at 44 years of age. She is now with our daughter, Hannah Marie, and Lilian, her older sister. She has already met our Lord Jesus. And she will meet with Apostle Peter, Kings David and Solomon, Adam and Eve, and the prophets. She will walk alongside Job and meet his sons and daughters. She will converse with John, the author of the Book of Revelation. She will encounter Apostles Paul and Barnabas, and have all eternity to gather with those renowned men and women of faith spoken of in the Bible.
What have I realized from my unspeakable loss? If you knew your loved one, son or daughter, husband, wife, mother, father, or close friend was going to pass away in one month, would you treat them any differently? If within the next four weeks one of those you hold dear would die, would you have any regrets about how you treated them during their last few weeks of life? After they were gone, would you have any regrets about the words you spoke to them?
Far too often, death comes suddenly and unexpectedly to those we cherish. Many never get to say goodbye—that hurried kiss, the short hug before they left for work that morning, the jaunty wave they gave as they drove away—is the last time they see their loved one alive. You can’t anticipate losing a loved one in a tragic airplane crash. The final Godspeed you spoke, as they boarded a plane bound for a destination they wouldn’t live to see, will be forever remembered. Or a thousand other ways, when life can be extinguished in a moment…”
In one way, I was blessed. I had a few months to say farewell, knowing she would soon be gone. We were granted the time to say goodbye and make all things right between us … A long goodbye is a precious gift many are never given.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for sharing this. I especially like what you wrote about regrets as well as meeting various Biblical characters. I was once asked which one I look forward to meeting most; my answer was Adam and Eve. Regardless, I look forward like nothing else to spending eternity with the Lord Himself as well as all the saints throughout the ages, including you.
LikeLike