My introduction to autism was through the movie Rain Man (1988), a great movie in many ways. It is both humorous and poignant in its portrayal of Raymond, who is rather severely autistic, and his brother Charlie. My wife and I were newlyweds when we saw it; little did we know at the time that a few years down the road, we would start experiencing autism, up close and personal.
Our daughter was somewhat colicky, but was otherwise a very cheerful baby. One thing I had noticed was at the age of three, she didn’t know her colors. I really didn’t think much of it at the time, but the solution was very simple: we got a board book about colors from the library, and I used it to explicitly teach her the colors. Then when our daughter was in first grade, my wife noticed that while she was standing in line with the other kids, there was a definite gap between her and the next child in line. My wife instructed her explicitly to move up to “close the gap;” she needed this instruction multiple times.
During her first three years in school, our daughter had a close friend, but at the beginning of third grade, this friend moved to a different school. Around that time, her teacher noticed that during recess, our daughter usually played in the sand by herself; however, she was perfectly content in doing so. Both our son and our daughter had previously enjoyed using magnet wands to “pick up” iron filings in the sand at our local park, so my wife worked with the teacher to buy a class set for our daughter to take to school and share. Several other kids quickly joined her in the sand during recess from that day forward.
Another thing we noticed at that time was that our cheerful, talkative daughter had a hard time “reading” facial expressions. As a family, we had started watching Little House on the Prairie, and we realized that the various characters showed a wide variety of emotions; that show became very instrumental in helping our daughter understand facial expressions. We would pause the episode now and then to ask her, for example, “How do you think Laura is feeling now?” or “Why do you think Mrs. Oleson did that?”
By this time, it seemed obvious that there was something “different” about our daughter; however, none of her teachers noticed much out of the ordinary. I guess when you have a cheerful, diligent student, you’re less likely to notice! Around that time, my wife started reading about Asperger’s Syndrome, and many of its descriptors sounded like our daughter.
The summer before our daughter started high school, my wife took her to a specialist, who diagnosed her as having high-functioning autism. (Now, Asperger’s Syndrome is included under ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorder.) This gave us clarity and further help, including accommodations at school, moving forward; a pediatric neurologist had diagnosed her at age 7 as having “weak muscles,” but nothing more.
In high school, our daughter became much more social; she had two close friends who were both godly young girls, like her. She was also part of a “lunch bunch” (four to six girls). When she went off to a small Christian college far away from home, she developed a romantic relationship with a guy who was also on “The Spectrum.” One thing unique about their relationship was that when they were apart, they could go as much as six weeks without much of any communication with each other; hard to believe, particularly in today’s world! The college was in a small town, and word spread about our daughter. There were other parents in the area with kids on The Spectrum, and they organized a speaking opportunity for her in which she shared her experiences and took questions from them. It seemed that she gave them hope that perhaps at least in some cases, their kids could also grow up, go to college, and lead a relatively “normal” life. By that time, she had become much more adept at reading facial expressions as well as having improved spatial awareness.
One thing our daughter came to realize was that at her Christian college, not all of the students behaved in Christian ways. We explained to her that not everyone there was a Christian, just as in other contexts, including church; autists often see things in “black and white.” After graduating from college, she got a job back in our community as a paraprofessional (a kind of teacher’s aide). However, she found that the demands of the job, including her difficulty with such “basics” as finding her way around new schools within the district, were too much to manage. In addition, not too long after that, COVID hit. Now she has a job working with an eight-year-old autistic girl (barely verbal) as well as a couple hours a week at an ice cream shop; she also volunteers in various ways through our church, including helping with meal preparation for the homeless in our community. She is living with us, but we are moving her towards greater independence, which she wants; after all, as we often remind her, we will not be here forever!
I should add that I got my daughter’s permission to write this post about her; in fact, she was rather excited about it and wanted me to use her name! Special thanks also to my wife, who has read it for accuracy. Maybe you know someone who is on The Spectrum; because it is a spectrum, there is a very wide variety of people on it. My daughter is toward the high-functioning end, but regardless of where an autist falls on it, each has his or her own special and specific challenges.
To the Remnant 
Wow! What a wonderful story. I love the wisdom you and your wife showed in refusing to panic, but to gently find helpful solutions that would hardly be noticed by anyone who wasn’t aware of the situation. It’s great to get to know more about you and your family. You and your wife should be held up as an example to many in terms of how to handle this type of autism. God bless your family. ✝️
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Thank you, Brother. And I thank the Lord for His guidance as well as for a godly, wise wife!
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A godly wise wife is a real blessing! It truly seems both of you did a wonderful job with instructing and teaching your daughter. She is a real blessing to your family, and you are a blessing to your daughter. Thanks for sharing your/her story.
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Thank you, Brother Michael!
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Thank you Brother Keith for the post. I have known a few autistic people in my life , never socialized with them like I am with your family. God created everyone differently, and everyone is unique and wonderful by his Grace.
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Thank you, Brother John; my family and I appreciate you and your family, too. And yes, the Lord has created everyone uniquely and wonderfully!
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Interesting… it’s been a long time since I’ve seen anyone, especially anyone with any experience with autistics, say anything good about Rainman. It usually gets noticed these days for the stereotypical ways it portrays autism, and the way it was used as most people’s *only* exposure to or undertanding of autism, despite the fact that very few autistics are actually savants like the character of Raymond. (Even though it was actually based on a real autistic savant).
Despite the proliferation of autistic characters in the media these days (both good and bad), Rainmain seems to *still* be the one most people know best, which is unfortunate, (and one of the reasons it gets criticized so much), because of how few people on the spectrum it actually represents.
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It’s interesting that you focus only on the introduction. Be that as it may, Rain Man’s portrayal of autism may be more stereotypical than typical of autists. However, as you noted, there are some people, albeit few, on The Spectrum that Raymond’s character represents well. For some, that very limited representation doesn’t detract from the movie’s humor and poignancy, and it won the Best Picture Oscar for 1988. Perhaps today it wouldn’t win because so much more is known about autism than back then.
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Hi Keith, I’ve never been diagnosed but I have trouble reading facial expressions, I also have trouble concentrating and understanding abstract concepts so that I was a mediocre student. I’ve always thought that I was a little lazy. Maybe if I was growing up in more recent decades I might be diagnosed with autism.
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Anthony, that could very well be the case. You have at least two relatives who are on The Spectrum, one diagnosed and one undiagnosed, but even the undiagnosed one is very obvious. If you’d like to know more, you can e-mail us.
I appreciate your sharing this about yourself.
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Keith, I am not very good in small talk and I have a tendency to repeat myself in a conversation, also my mind works slower than most people’s. I don’t know if this is a sign of autism. I’m happy to hear that your daughter is doing well. May the Lord bless you and your family.
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Anthony, repeating certain phrases and sentences over and over ad nauseam is a symptom of autism; we have experienced this at times with our daughter. What you describe, though, sounds more like what many people do, especially as they get older, like me! 😂 Not being good at small talk, on the other hand, is a symptom of autism.
Thank you for your words of blessing about my daughter and the rest of the family. May the Lord continue to bless you and Suying as well.
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Keith, sorry to be commenting on an old post but even when I was young my mind worked slower than most people my age. I also tended to be extremely shy and rather selfish and don’t feel comfortable around people (this tendency has become worse since the Covid-19 outbreak).
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Tony, I appreciate your sharing about how the slowness you describe has been around since you were young. Sometimes when I’m in conversation, I don’t think of a good reply to the person until later; I’m very analytical, so I like to have time to think things over.
Regarding not feeling comfortable around people: while I feel comfortable around people (especially in smaller groups), I have known plenty of people who are not–and that has certainly been exacerbated since the pandemic. Sometimes shyness can go along with that discomfort.
Finally, regarding selfishness: that’s a basic part of the sinful human condition, which we all share. Over time, with the Lord’s help, we prayerfully move in the direction of becoming less selfish.
As always, I appreciate your comment, whether on a relatively new post or an older one! I’ve been blogging for almost exactly four years now, and there are other people who have commented on older posts as well.
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I appreciate you sharing this story, Keith, and the wisdom and grace with which you and your wife met your daughter’s needs. In recent years, I’ve suspected I’m on the spectrum and if so would be considered high functioning. In my childhood years, there was little known about it. I’ve struggled with reading facial expressions, and lean heavily toward black-and-white thinking.
Thank you and your wife for the example of parenting with grace and support rather than shame.
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Manette, thank you for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate your sharing this about yourself, and I’m thankful that you’re my sister in Christ!
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Reblogged this on clydeherrin.
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Thank you, Clyde!
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Thanks for this post! I’m 66YO at this point, but I always knew I was a bit of a “square peg.” While commuting to work several years ago, I heard a discussion on the radio about Asperger’s and many of the symptoms fit me like a glove. I’m glad that you’ve been able to help your daughter.
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I think that there are plenty of people on The Spectrum who just don’t know it yet! 😀 And by the way, welcome to To the Remnant!
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Nice to read a loving yet straightforward family view on the topic, Keith.
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Thanks, Mitch!
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Keith, I love that you got your daughter’s permission to post this, and that she was excited about her story being shared – as all believers should be. It sounds as though the Lord is doing wonderful things with her life, and that He did most of them through you and your wise and resourceful wife.
Just curious – since your daughter wanted you to use her name, was there a reason you didn’t?
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Thank you, Ann, for your strong words of encouragement; my wise and resourceful wife also appreciates them! Regarding your good question: it’s a matter of privacy; I have just e-mailed you with more details.
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I was a special education teacher for 22 years. Asperger’s Syndrome was an area of special interest for me and I always fought for my kids on the Spectrum and tried to ensure that general education teachers understood their challenges and didn’t misunderstand their behaviors. (They aren’t spoiled. They don’t need a spanking. They aren’t rude. And on and on it goes. You have to love their honesty even if it does get them into trouble sometimes! My theory is we’re all on that spectrum somewhere. And I think seeing things as black and white can be a very good thing. I wish your daughter the best! Many blessings, Keith!
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Cindy, I really appreciate your having taught and advocated for “your kids” on The Spectrum all of those years. One thing that struck me in your comment is their honesty; so true. We never had to worry about that with our daughter! And yes, seeing things in black and white can be a very good thing; as our kids get older, hopefully they’re also able to see nuance.
I had a good laugh about your theory; maybe we are all on The Spectrum, even if just a bit! Blessings to you as well, Sister!
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Nuance…ah yes…and maybe a filter to go with that!
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I am blessed to read this, my brother. I love how you have shared something that I know will have been and will continue to be so helpful to a lot of people. My cousin has Asperger’s. Over Christmas, my oldest daughter really connected with her in a special way and it meant so much to me. It was the first time they had been around each other, since Ester was raised in Peru and my cousin in Texas.
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Thank you, Sis! I thought there would be a decent number of people who viewed this post, but frankly, the high number has surprised me; there are obviously a lot of people out there who know others on The Spectrum–and in some cases are on it themselves. Thank you for sharing about your cousin and how your daughter was able to bless her–and you, and I’m sure others–in such a special way.
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