The Favored Gender?

Two of my closest friends both have a young son who is in the process of transitioning to become a woman; I also have an elderly friend who I recently found out is in that same process. In contrast, I don’t know any women who are transitioning to become men. These people, along with things I’ve read, caused me to wonder whether there are significantly more MTFs (males transitioning to females) than FTMs (females transitioning to males), at least in the U.S.

Depending on your source, the percentages and ratios of MTFs and FTMs differ, but what is consistent is that MTFs outnumber FTMs, in many cases significantly. The UCLA School of Law Williams Institute has reported that of the 1.3 million American adults who identify as transgender, 38.5% are transgender women, while 35.9% are transgender men; the remaining 25.6% identify as “gender nonconforming.” The Kaiser Family Foundation reports that 22% of trans adults identify as trans women and 12% identify as trans men; the majority of trans adults identify as “nonbinary.” The UCSF Dept. of Medicine estimates that worldwide, there are at least three times as many trans women as trans men. In summary, ways of counting and estimating differ, but regardless, it seems clear that trans women significantly outnumber trans men, not just in the U.S., but worldwide.

One of the friends that I mentioned earlier told me that his son now identifies as a woman because women are the “favored gender.” Since my wife and I are both retired professors, this comment caused me to investigate college/university scholarships. Not to my surprise, there are very significantly more scholarships designated only for women than only for men. Some sources estimate that the ratio is as high as 11:1, meaning that if you’re a woman, your potential sources of financial aid greatly outnumber those of a man. I find this troubling, particularly given that undergraduate female students outnumber undergraduate male students 58% to 42%. The disparity is even greater at graduate student levels, where women outnumber men 61% to 39%. It seems to me that at this point in our history, we ought to be providing an increasing number of incentives for men to attend college/university. It also seems to me that these stats are likely to incentivize a lot more people to “identify” as women than as men. Thankfully, some universities have been pressured into eliminating some women-only scholarships, but a large disparity remains.

One area in which a trans woman is more “favored” than a trans man is in sports. Trans women have been “besting” biological women for years now; in fact, this month marks three years since Lia Thomas, a trans woman who had been mediocre in men’s swimming, tied Riley Gaines for fifth place in the women’s 200-meter NCAA swimming championships. Sometimes, it’s not just a matter of winning or not, as volleyball player Payton McNabb found out in 2022; she was permanently injured when a trans woman on the opposing team spiked the ball into her head. In a related story, last year six women volleyball teams forfeited their tournament games against San Jose State University because of the presence of a trans woman named Blaire Fleming on that team. Ultimately, and thankfully, they lost the Mountain West tournament final to Colorado State.

These examples from the world of women’s sports illustrate that trans women have a natural advantage over biological women. I think that almost everyone, whether they admit it or not, understand the inherent unfairness in allowing trans women to compete in women’s sports. Thankfully, last month the NCAA changed its policy, limiting competition in women’s sports to student-athletes assigned female at birth only. This will also prevent students who identify as women but were assigned male at birth from using women’s restrooms. Over time, this policy should also spread to restrooms in other public buildings.

Socially, it’s not hard to see how it could be seen as more beneficial to be a woman than a man. Have you ever heard of “toxic femininity?” Me, neither. “Toxic masculinity,” on the other hand, has become almost a catchphrase, at least in some segments of American society. WebMD is careful to say that the term “toxic masculinity” isn’t meant to imply that the idea of masculinity in itself is inherently bad; however, it’s not hard to see how people could easily make that inference, regardless of the motivation for doing so. Traditionally, boys were raised to understand that they should respect and protect girls and women, but that is not something that contemporary American society seems to value.

Personally, I’m thankful to be a man, for multiple reasons. One that has come into focus over the past couple years is the ability to do physical labor, such as carrying things, setting up tables, and the like. Although my church has plenty of godly men, a number of them have back injuries or other physical limitations that prevent them from helping more in that way. Since I don’t, that is an area where I can easily help–and I enjoy it!

What does the Bible have to say about all of this? First of all, men and women are equal in God’s sight; we see this, for example, in Galatians 3:28, which says, “There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” In other words, salvation is available to anyone who puts their faith and trust in Jesus. At the same time, there are different roles for men and women in some different contexts, most obviously marriage; Ephesians 5:22-23 says, “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.” There is a lot of misunderstanding of submission, but my wife has said that she thinks most Christian women will willingly submit to a man who exhibits servant leadership. I should add that at my church, couples joke about the husband being the head, but the wife being the neck!

Regarding transgenderism: Genesis 1:27 says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created him.” There are two genders, and God never, ever makes a mistake; you are what God made you, as King David tells us in Psalm 139: “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.”

Whether you are male or female, if you are reading this and do not yet know the Lord, I pray that you will turn to Him in saving faith today.

Celebration of a Long Life or a Long Marriage?

My wife and I are part of a church which is very largely Asian. (She is Asian (American-born); I’m not.) Periodically, we have a guest preacher. A few weeks ago, one of them (a Caucasian) mentioned in a sermon that he has been married 68 years; I heard a few “oohs” and aahs.” Later in the same sermon, he mentioned that he is 94 years old; the response of the congregation was loud applause. I found the contrasting responses to his long-lasting marriage and long life perplexing, even a little disturbing.

When my wife and I discussed this later, she said that the applause for the preacher’s long life was “reflexive.” In other words, since childhood, at church and in other similar group situations, Asian Americans have celebrated long life. Somewhat in contrast, a lifelong marriage is something to be expected, while divorce is frowned upon and is still seen as even shameful. The acknowledgment of wedding anniversaries, if it happens at all, is comparatively low-key. I have noticed this in an app that our church members use to communicate. One of the groups that my wife and I are a part of is a married couples’ group. Birthdays are always acknowledged, and most members write specific words of encouragement to the person; this rarely happens with wedding anniversaries.

I decided to do some research regarding American life expectancy and divorce among the four broad racial groups. What I found did not surprise me:

  • Asians: life expectancy, 84.5 years; divorce rate, 12.7%
  • Hispanics: life expectancy, 80.0 years; divorce rate, 26.7%
  • Whites: life expectancy, 77.5 years; divorce rate, 35.3%
  • Blacks: life expectancy, 72.8 years; divorce rate, 38.8%

I’m sure you have noticed a very distinct correlation: those who remain married are likely to have a longer life; I had also read before in various sources that longer marriages are correlated with longer lives (regardless of race). A word of explanation regarding the divorce rate percentages: they indicate those Americans who have ever been divorced. Depending on your source, you will find different ways of calculating the divorce rate, but regardless of the specifics, you will usually find that the above American racial trends hold true. One caveat: given the trend among both millennials and Zoomers (Gen Z) to delay marriage–and perhaps never marry–it will be interesting to see over time whether this affects their life expectancy.

One might think that Asian Americans have the best of both worlds: they live long lives and are significantly less likely to get divorced than the other racial groups. However, anecdotally at least, Asian Americans are more likely to live apart than other American racial groups, sometimes for months or even years at a time–usually for educational, financial, or family-of-origin reasons. The husband, for example, pursues a degree in another state or country. Or, in a closely related example, he works in another state–or even country–for some time because of the opportunity to make more money for the family. Another scenario is where the wife heads back to her home country to care for aging parents. My wife and I have both known Asian couples like these and have heard of many others. For a typical Caucasian American (at least speaking for myself), such an extended multi-month or especially multi-year separation would be almost unthinkable, increasing the likelihood of divorce. Somehow, older generations of Asian American couples have at least made this scenario “work,” although it hardly means that they have a close relationship. My guess is that for the youngest generations, these kinds of extended separations are going to become less likely.

Regarding the differing reactions our congregation had to the preacher’s long marriage vs. long life, I should add that in Asian cultures, the elderly are to be respected. My wife explained that this helps to understand those reactions. In other words, if you are “old,” we will accord you an even higher degree of respect. This goes along with the old adage that with greater age comes greater wisdom, something I heard more than once as I was growing up. In contemporary American society as a whole, that kind of respect for the elderly is not so widespread, to put it mildly.

As I have further analyzed my thoughts and feelings regarding these differing reactions, I can summarize them like this: if a person has a long life, it is a gift from God. We can certainly do basic things like eating right and exercising regularly, but that is very far from a “guarantee” that we will have a long life. Having a long marriage, however, requires a good deal of work on the part of both husband and wife in contemporary American society, where divorce is so easy and common. Even in the American church, the divorce rate is about the same as society as a whole.

At the church that my wife and I used to be part of, one thing that they did right was acknowledging, on an annual basis, the anniversaries of those couples who had been married at least 50 years. I think that as time goes on, that kind of acknowledgment is likely to happen at our church as well. I have no problem with acknowledging long life, but I would like to see that acknowledgment–and even celebration–extended to long-lasting marriages, as well.

If you are married, regardless of how long, may your relationship be a shining example of love in what can be a lonely world. If you are single but would like to be married, I would recommend talking to a couple who have a good marriage relationship; they can help you understand what it takes to have a successful marriage.

What’s in a Pronoun?

A couple of months ago, I came across a New York Post article by Chris Nesi about a Virginia teacher who had been fired for refusing to use a transgender student’s preferred pronouns. The student had requested that his teachers use male pronouns when referring to “him” rather than the female pronouns that accorded with her biological sex. Peter Vlaming, the fired teacher, had attempted to accommodate the student by using her chosen name while avoiding using pronouns. However, Vlaming said, “I was wrongfully fired [in 2018] from my teaching job because my religious beliefs put me on a collision course with school administrators who mandated that teachers ascribe to only one perspective on gender identity—their preferred view. I loved teaching French and gracefully tried to accommodate every student in my class, but I couldn’t say something that directly violated my conscience.” Vlaming sued, and six years later, he was awarded a $575,000 settlement by the West Point School Board; the wrongful dismissal has also been expunged from his record. Here’s the link to the article: https://nypost.com/2024/10/02/us-news/va-teacher-fired-for-not-using-trans-students-pronouns-awarded-575k-in-lawsuit/

Notice that Vlaming was not fired because of what he said but because of what he refused to say, a very dangerous precedent. The trans student had attempted to force him to say words that would have violated his conscience. Notice as well that Vlaming attempted to accommodate the trans student by avoiding pronouns altogether. However, that wasn’t good enough. On the other hand, since the $575,000 settlement, the West Point district has aligned itself with state guidelines, which now allow K-12 teachers in Virginia to refer to transgender students by their birth name and gender regardless of their gender identity.

That New York Post article recently came to mind because of President Trump’s executive order for executive-branch employees to remove gender pronouns from their e-mail signatures. Various agencies, such as the CDC, have been told to review email systems such as Outlook and turn off features that prompt users for their pronouns. This is all part of Trump’s efforts to have the government recognize two sexes, male and female. It is also a reaction to DEI, which I have written about previously here in relation to education: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2024/05/02/honors-programs-vs-dei/ as well as here in relation to business: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2024/06/13/the-death-of-dei-in-business/

When I first became aware of this matter of preferred pronouns a few years ago, the focus was on using “they,” “them,” and “their” to refer to a nonbinary individual. However, I did some research and discovered that in the LGBTQ community, there are now literally hundreds of preferred, or nonbinary, pronouns. Examples include ze, zir, ve, vis, and ver. It must be dizzying to try to remember an individual’s preferred pronouns, especially since nonbinary people often change their pronoun preferences according to context. (That last part is according to the UC Davis LGBTQIA Resource Center.)

Speaking of context: I’m a retired ESL teacher, and I can only imagine what it’s like for those students who are trying to navigate this new plethora of pronouns. At my college, we had (and still have) six different levels of ESL. At the lowest level, just teaching students the correct use of basic subject pronouns (I, you, he, she, it, we, they) and object pronouns (me, you, him, her, it, us, them) can be challenging enough. (A side note: my, your, his, her, its, our, and their are adjectives, not pronouns!) Imagine students’ confusion if I were to refer to a nonbinary person as “they” when students know that “they” is plural–except when it’s not! As a teacher, my focus was on use, and here is where I have not seen any discussion; let me briefly explain.

When I’m talking to someone, I use the pronoun “you” to refer to him or her. When I refer to someone else, I almost always use that person’s name, at least initially; if I later refer to the person again, I may or may not use “he” or “she,” depending on the need for clarity. As a teacher, when I called on a student to speak, I would use his or her name. After she was done speaking, I might then say something like, “Good answer, Maria. You understand this very well.” Later, I might say, “A couple minutes ago, Maria told us…” If I referred to Maria yet again, then I would probably use “she” and “her” rather than “Maria” as long as it was clear who I was referring to. Peter Vlaming, the Virginia teacher who was fired six years ago, was simply continuing to use the student’s name, rather than her preferred pronouns. Here’s the point: There is comparatively low-frequency usage of third-person pronouns (he, she, they) in the context of a class or a meeting. In conversation, understandably, the frequency is likely to be higher, especially if you’re talking at length about an individual.

I have spoken with more than one teacher over the past few years who has made the same choice as Peter Vlaming: repeatedly using nonbinary students’ names rather than their preferred pronouns. A side note: Shortly after I retired almost five years ago, I noticed that my former boss had added she/her/hers to her e-mail signature. Perhaps my former employer will someday ask employees to remove those pronouns.

I would say that within the LGBTQ community, if people want to insist on preferred-pronoun usage, then let them do so. However, trying to make others outside that community use a person’s preferred pronouns can create confusion, and not just for second-language learners. In addition, and more importantly for some of us, as Peter Vlaming said, using preferred pronouns can violate our conscience, particularly when a trans woman is demanding to be called “she” or a trans man is demanding to be called “he.”

What does the Bible have to say about all of this? In the very first chapter of the Bible, in Genesis 1:27, the Lord says, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” And in Psalm 139:13, David says, “For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” In other words, the Lord has made us the sex we are. While I want to be able to show compassion toward people who identify with the opposite sex (and yes, I know some), at the same time I cannot violate my conscience to meet their preferences and demands. If you are a trans person reading this, my prayer is that you will come to understand that the Lord made you. He will forgive you and transform you in ways you had never thought of if you come to Him in faith and repentance.

The Heart of the Matter

There are some Christian contemporary songs that I love, but in terms of the depth of lyrics, I have discovered that there is often more to be found in Christian songs from the late 1970s and 1980s. Debby Boone is an interesting singer in that she started off singing songs with secular lyrics in the late 1970s, and I enjoyed some of it. However, by 1983 she had “switched” to songs with Christian lyrics, and some of them dive very deeply.

One of those songs is “The Heart of the Matter” (1985); here is the link to it: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ECOTRNWSGGo And here are the lyrics:

Old friend
When did it happen?
When did your eyes become dazzled by the world
Instead of lit up by his light?
Choices, too many voices
Was there one too many battles so you gave up on the fight?
Was your love for him a decision of the mind to be changed in time?
Was it really not a committed walk
But rather a display of religious talk?
I need to know because I love you so

Chorus:

If you really knew him the way that I knew him
You would never walk away
If you truly understood what his love was all about
You would never shut him out
All this talk of Jesus working in our lives
Is nothing more than childish chatter
If we don’t allow him past the mind to penetrate with depth
Into the heart of the matter
Into the heart of the matter

Old friend
How did it happen?
How did you take all the life he had
To give and then let your praises die?
Confusion, rising delusion
Did you give your heart to busyness and never question why?
When you discovered that from you
He wanted more, did you close the door?
Did you decide to do it on your own
And then withdraw to walk alone?
I need to know because I love you so

(Repeat chorus)

Bridge:

How do spiritual eyes go blind?
When does deception infiltrate the mind?
I know it’s hard to comprehend
But the choice is still yours old friend
Don’t let it happen

(Repeat chorus)

In “The Heart of the Matter,” Debby is singing to a longtime friend who used to display evidence of being a believer. I counted a dozen questions, starting in the first verse with “When did it happen?” and then immediately identifying what “it” is: “When did your eyes become dazzled by the world instead of lit up by His light?” Whoa. Then notice the fifth question: “Was it really not a committed walk but rather a display of religious talk?” Whoa and whoa. Can you imagine asking someone that in today’s American society?! It would be considered extremely judgmental and offensive by most churchgoers–but notice the next line: “I need to know because I love you so.” She makes it clear that it’s because she loves her “old friend” so much that she is willing to confront him (or her) with these penetrating questions.

When we get to the chorus, we hear “If you knew Him the way that I knew Him, you would never walk away.” Taken in isolation, this might sound very prideful, but in the context of their close relationship and her love for him, it’s not.

In the second verse, Debby asks, “Did you give your heart to busyness and never question why?” I think that speaks very directly not only to her friend, but to so many American Christians. And then, “When you discovered that He wanted more from you [a slight inversion of word order for clarity], did you close the door?” The last three words remind us of “shut Him out” in the chorus. This speaks very directly to people who think being a Christian is simply a matter of “making the decision” and then living however they want. She reminds her friend yet again, “I need to know because I love you so.”

Notice that in the bridge, the penetrating questions continue. She asks how spiritual eyes go blind; then the insightful, deep “When does deception infiltrate the mind?” which paraphrases the question about spiritual eyes. She emphasizes this in the next line with the phrase “hard to comprehend.” All of this harkens back to “confusion, rising delusion” in verse 2, and indirectly to “choices, too many voices” in verse 1. However, the chorus reminds us again and again about “allow[ing] him past the mind to penetrate with depth into the heart of the matter.”

As I was listening to this song yet again and thinking about it, here are some Bible verses that came to mind. Matthew 24:12-13 say, “Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of most will grow cold, but he who stands firm to the end will be saved.” The second one is Matthew 13:22, where Jesus is explaining the parable of the sower. Jesus says, “The one who received the seed that fell among the thorns is the man who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke it, making it unfruitful.” In Mark’s account, Jesus adds “desires for other things.” Here’s another one, James 5:19-20: “My brothers, if one of you should wander from the truth and someone should bring him back, remember this: Whoever turns a sinner from the error of his way will save him from death and cover over a multitude of sins.” The “love of most will grow cold” and the “unfruitful” seed in the parable of the sower indicate people who are unbelievers; the passage in James mentioning someone who has “wander[ed] from the truth” but has come back to it refers to a true believer. In the case of the friend that Debby is singing to, I would hope that he became like the person in the James passage. (I should add that “The Heart of the Matter” was written by Stormie and Michael Omartian.)

Although I have never had a close friend like the one in Debby’s song, I have known several people who have left the church and in some cases have very publicly renounced their supposed faith. Going all the way back to childhood, I have been blessed with good friends. I have six close friends in various parts of the country who, thankfully, have remained true to the Lord. If someday I were to find out that one of them was wandering, I might not use all of the words of this song exactly as they’re written, but I would definitely pray and then confront him in the spirit of James 5:19-20 “because I love him so.”

What’s Wrong with Winter?

Throughout my growing-up years, I always lived in snow country–and I (almost) always exulted in it, whether I was 5, 12, or 18. As a young boy, I frolicked in the snow with my brothers and friends, having snowball fights, building snow forts and snowmen, sledding, and making tunnels in snowdrifts. As a young teen, I earned money by scooping (shoveling) snow for some people in my community; if I knew overnight snow was likely, I would get up about 5:30 and look out the window. If it was still coming down, I would go back to bed, but if it had stopped and there was snow on the ground, I would get up and head out with my snow scoop. When the snow was fluffy (in really cold temps), scooping it off driveways and sidewalks was easy; when it was heavy, it took longer. Regardless, I had to make sure I finished in time for school.

When I was 17, I had saved up enough working at a grocery store to buy my first car, a ’73 Nova. During the winter, while it was warming up, I frequently had to brush snow off the windows, which was easy; sometimes there was ice underneath, which took longer.

When I started college, I was still in snow country, and when I went home for Christmas, my parents were still in it as well. My first winter back home, it snowed every day, and I genuinely enjoyed scooping snow off our driveway and sidewalks–and my dad was glad to let me do it!

Fast-forward four decades. I live in an area where the overnight low this time of year is typically in the low 40s, very occasionally dipping below 40. Daytime highs are usually in the mid-to-upper 50s. In other words, we don’t really have winter. In the 3+ decades that my wife and I have been living here, I remember only one time when we had snow; it was very short-lived and of course didn’t “stick.” If we want to get to snow country, we have to drive at least an hour.

My wife and I are part of a church which is largely of an Asian ethnicity. (I am not.) While my brothers and sisters like to go to snow country with their kids, they wouldn’t dream of living in it. And many of our elderly wouldn’t dream of going there for a day trip, even if someone else is driving. I should add that elderly attitudes about snow are not specific to this Asian ethnicity; where my parents retired, some middle-aged (and older) people in their community were “snow birds” who would head off to warmer climes for a couple months this time of year. And some of them moved permanently to such climes later in retirement.

All of these memories of snow country came back recently when I posted in a church chat on an app that we use, “People always think I’m crazy for saying this, but I miss living in snow country!” One of my sisters responded, “Wow. You don’t look old, and you’re certainly not old in mind, either!” I puzzled over that response, and then my wife explained that older people of this ethnicity would never live in snow country if they had a choice. (I will turn 65 next month.)

Shortly after that, another sister told our congregation that her elderly mom was going to move to a cold-weather clime in order to live with and help a family member. This sister used the word “brave” to describe her mother as well as “hardship” to describe what it would be like for her–specifically in relation to living in cold weather for a few months out of the year. While I have a lot of respect for what this elderly woman is doing, I can’t empathize regarding the cold weather, at least not yet; if I ever get to the point where I can’t drive, maybe I’ll be able to.

Maybe you’re wondering why I don’t move to snow country! The main answer is my wife. While she grew up in snow country as well and enjoys visiting it, she wouldn’t want to live in it now. However, if we someday have grandkids who are living in it, she would be willing to move there. I should also add that thanks to our wonderful church, I’m content with staying here.

I acknowledge that there is a difference between living in snow country and visiting it. I understand very well, for example, that there are certain things you have to deal with in snow country related to cars (car batteries, rust, snow tires, impassable roads) and houses (frozen pipes, exacerbated roof and insulation issues).

By now, maybe you think I’m crazy, too, for missing living in snow country. However, even if you would never live there, have you ever just stood in or near a grove of trees and enjoyed falling snow with your various senses? Watching it? Feeling it? Have you ever stuck your tongue out and tasted it? Have you ever heard it?! (Thank you, Anthony Doerr, for bringing this one to my awareness!) Have you ever just stood amazed in the beauty of it and praised the Lord God, the Creator Who gives it?

I have told many people that some of my best times of worship are when I am out in the Lord’s creation; snow is no exception. Maybe you want to avoid snow at all costs, but if you’re even a little like me, I hope that the next time you’re in it, you will take a few minutes just to soak in the beauty of it–and to praise the Giver of it.