Keys to a Successful Marriage

As my wife and I approach our 32nd anniversary, I’ve been thinking about what has enabled us to have a successful marriage. By this I mean not just staying married but enjoying each other’s presence. (I have been with couples who have been married a long time but who don’t enjoy being together.) In light of that, a few weeks ago I came across an article by a non-Christian related to this topic. Here is the link: https://getpocket.com/explore/item/every-successful-relationship-is-successful-for-the-same-exact-reasons?utm_source=pocket-newtab. The author, Mark Manson, sent out “the call” the week before his wedding, asking anyone who has been married 10+ years and is still happy in their relationship: What lessons would you pass down to others if you could? (At the time of his writing, he had been married two weeks.)

Manson received almost 1500 responses, many of them “measured in pages, not paragraphs.” He writes he was stunned that “they were incredibly repetitive,” but in a good way. He consolidated the responses into 13 key things. As I read them, I realized that they are all, to one degree or another, as applicable to a Christian marriage (such as my own) as they are to a non-Christian marriage, such as Manson’s. Without further ado, here they are:

  1. Be together for the right reasons. Manson defines this largely by some wrong reasons that people who had had multiple marriages reported. Examples of those wrong reasons include fixing yourself; being together for image; being young, naive, and hopelessly in love; and feeling pressure from family.
  2. Have realistic expectations about relationships and romance. These are defined largely by unconditional love, not romantic love.
  3. The most important factor in a relationship is not communication, but respect. Manson writes that respect goes hand-in-hand with trust, and that respect is especially important during conflict.
  4. Talk openly about everything, especially the stuff that hurts. This builds trust, which leads to greater intimacy.
  5. A healthy relationship means two healthy individuals. Enough said.
  6. Give each other space. The key word here in Manson’s description is “separate.” Manson and his responders write about the importance of separate checking accounts, credit cards, vacations, and even bathrooms and bedrooms. This is an area where I found myself in disagreement with Manson and company; while giving each other some space is important, too much of it can create too much distance.
  7. You and your partner will grow and change in unexpected ways; embrace it. Some of the examples include changing religions; experiencing the death of a family member; and even changing sexual orientation (?!). While I can agree with the principle, I can’t agree with many of the examples.
  8. Get good at fighting. Examples include not insulting your spouse and taking a breather if necessary.
  9. Get good at forgiving. I would add “and apologizing.”
  10. The little things add up to big things. Respondents said that this is especially important once you have kids. Examples given include holding hands and doing household chores.
  11. Sex matters… a lot. Obviously, different people have different levels of desire, but regardless, it matters a lot.
  12. Be practical, and create relationship rules. The common theme of the advice was to be pragmatic. One of the examples given is that if a wife works 50 hours/week outside the home, and the husband works mainly at home, it makes sense for him to handle more of the parenting duties. Almost all of the examples given regarding rules are related to spending money.
  13. Learn to ride the waves. Enough said.

Underlying all of these key things, as Manson writes, is genuine admiration for your spouse. As I wrote at the outset, all of them are applicable to some degree to every marriage, whether Christian or not. As a Christian, I would add two keys. The first is to grow together spiritually. Ways to do this in my own marriage have included attending church together; praying together; serving others together; and discussing the Bible and Christian books together. The second is to learn each other’s love languages, which has significantly enhanced my own marriage. Gary Chapman’s The Five Love Languages is a book that I strongly encourage every married and pre-marital couple to read and put into practice.

As I read Manson’s article, I found myself thinking about this question: If I had to choose one of the 13 keys as the most important in a marriage, which one would it be? I chose #9: get good at forgiving, with the addition of “and apologizing.” Maybe you have seen the old movie Love Story. There’s an infamous line: Love means never having to say you’re sorry. How stupid is that?! I have had to apologize to my wife many times; the best of those have been when she hasn’t even had to confront me but when the Holy Spirit has brought conviction. Forgiveness is at the heart of the Christian message: we have all sinned, and the only solution to the problem is trusting in Jesus Christ, asking Him to forgive our sins.

If you have any additional keys to a successful marriage, as well as thoughts on which key you think is most important, I would be very interested in reading them!

A Christmas Quiz

With Christmas just around the corner, I thought it would be interesting to make a quiz about some commonly-held assumptions related to Jesus’ birth–and then also have some fun related to a secular Christmas song or two. You can find the answers, with explanations, in the second part of this post.

True-False Statements

  1. Jesus was born in a stable.
  2. There were three Wise Men (Magi) who visited Jesus and his parents.
  3. The shepherds and the Wise Men didn’t visit Jesus and his parents at the same time.
  4. At the time the Wise Men visited Jesus, He was living in a house.
  5. Jesus was born in the year 1 A.D.
  6. Jesus was probably born in the winter.
  7. Jesus was born to a woman who had never had sexual relations.
  8. Joseph married Mary before Jesus was born.
  9. Santa Claus traces his origin to a monk who was born in the 3rd century.
  10. The total 2020 cost of the items in the song “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is greater than the poverty threshold for a family of four in the U.S.

Answers

  1. False. In spite of what you have seen in nativity scenes, the Bible does not say that Jesus was born in a stable or a barn. He was probably born in a cave; in the second century, Justin Martyr said that Jesus had been born in a cave outside Bethlehem.
  2. False. It is commonly assumed that there were three Magi because they brought three gifts: gold, incense, and myrrh. Perhaps you are also familiar with the Christmas song “We Three Kings.” However, the Bible does not tell us how many Magi there were.
  3. True. Luke tells us in Chapter 2:8 that there were shepherds “nearby.” In verse 16 Luke writes that the shepherds “hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger.” Regarding the Magi, on the other hand, Matthew tells us in Chapter 2:16, “When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.” This strongly suggests that by the time the Wise Men, who “saw his star in the east” (verse 2), came to Bethlehem, Jesus was probably at least a year old.
  4. True. Matthew 2:11 tells us, “On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshiped him.”
  5. False. We don’t know exactly when Jesus was born, but 4 B.C. seems to be the most likely year.
  6. False. Since there were shepherds in the fields with their sheep, it’s very unlikely that Jesus’ birth would have happened during the winter. In addition, Luke 2:1-2 tells us that a census was being taken of the entire Roman world; the winter would not have been a good time to make people go “to his own town to register.” (Luke 2:3) It seems most likely Jesus was born in early fall; this is because of the comparative times of the birth of John the Baptist and Jesus.
  7. True. Jesus was born to the virgin Mary. Luke 1:34 tells us that when the angel Gabriel told Mary she would give birth to a son, Mary replied, “‘How will this be,’ Mary asked the angel, ‘since I am a virgin?'” Gabriel replies in the next verse, “‘The Holy Spirit will come upon you.'” Matthew 1:18 confirms, “Before they [Joseph and Mary] came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit.” Also, Matthew 1:25 tells us that Joseph “had no union with her [Mary] until she gave birth to a son.” On a personal note, my father-in-law for more than 90 years was not a Christian; he said he could not believe the miracles in the Bible, and he referred specifically to the miracle of Jesus being born to a virgin. Thankfully, at the age of 91, he accepted Jesus as his Savior.
  8. True. The Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream after Mary became pregnant. Matthew 1:24 says, “When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife.” Also, others have noted that it would have been unlikely for Joseph to take his fiancee with him on a 90-mile journey to register for the census. There is not unanimity on this matter because of the customary year-long betrothal at that time in Jewish society, but it seems very likely that Joseph and Mary were married and living (and traveling!) together before Jesus was born.
  9. True. One of the many names of Santa Claus is St. Nicholas, a monk who was born in 280 A.D. in what is now Turkey.
  10. False. The total cost now for the items in “The Twelve Days of Christmas” is a mere $16,168.14, compared with the poverty threshold for a U.S. family of four, which is $26,200. Last year, the cost was a whopping $38,993. What’s the reason for the huge drop in cost? You guessed it: COVID-19, which renders the last four items (nine ladies dancing, ten lords a-leaping, eleven pipers piping, and twelve drummers drumming) NA. The most expensive item, by far, is the seven swans a-swimming, which would set you back $13,125! For some humorous commentary on this, click here: https://www.radio.com/y98/news/heres-what-it-will-cost-to-buy-the-12-days-of-christmas

Have a very merry Christmas!!

Are We All Children of God?

Last summer, I heard a pastor (not mine) say that everyone is a child of God. This same pastor believes that everyone who does not trust in Jesus as their Savior and Lord will spend eternity in hell; in other words, he believes that the Lord will send most of His “children” to hell.

As always, we need to examine what we hear and read through the lens of Scripture. The first thing I thought of when I heard what this pastor said was the passage where Jesus said that the Jews of His day who did not believe in Him were children of Satan. Let’s take a closer look. In John 8:41, the Jews said, “‘The only Father we have is God himself.'” (If you read earlier in the same chapter, you will see that they put their confidence in the fact that they were physical descendants of Abraham.) Three verses later, Jesus says, ‘”You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desire. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.'” These words of Jesus are very plain.

Let’s also look at a couple of verses that define who a child of God is. John 1:12 says, “Yet to all who received him, to those who believe in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.” Galatians 3:26-27 says, “You are all sons of God through faith in Christ Jesus, for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ.” These verses make it very clear that there is a condition for being a child of God: those who put their faith in Christ, who receive Him and believe in Him, are His children.

Let’s contrast the words of the pastor who believes that everyone is a child of God, but that unbelievers will spend eternity in hell, with the words of some other people I know, who frankly seem to have a better understanding of this matter. My wife and I knew one of these people many years ago; she was a young seeker, meaning she was a genuine seeker of Biblical truth but not a Christian. One night she came over, very distraught because a good friend of hers had died; this friend was not a Christian, so our seeker’s question was whether her friend was now in hell. We told her that her friend might have put her faith in Jesus before she died, but that if she hadn’t, then sadly, yes, her friend was now in hell. This helped some, but she said that she couldn’t stand the idea of her friend being alone in that terrible place and that she wanted to join her there. While acknowledging her grief and her other feelings, we said that we wanted her to join us in heaven and urged her to put her faith in Jesus. She has since moved away, and we haven’t heard from her for some years, but we still pray that we will see her in heaven.

Another friend of ours recently came to faith in Jesus, and like our beloved seeker friend, she spoke about a relative who had died without knowing the Lord. She was initially distraught, but later, with remarkable insight, she realized that this relative would not want her to join her in hell. Implicit in her testimony was the story of the rich man and Lazarus in Luke 16:19-31; in verses 27 and 28, the rich man, now in hell, begs Abraham to send Lazarus (both are in heaven) to his five living brothers: “‘Let him warn them, so that they will not also come to this place of torment.'” I’m not saying that every person in hell feels this way, but this very young believer had a maturity that many other “older” believers don’t seem to have.

A third person that we know has been a Christian for a long time. An acquaintance of hers had recently died, and she believed this acquaintance was now in hell because she had failed to tell her about Jesus. Well, if her acquaintance is one of God’s chosen ones, then she is in heaven, not hell, but it was good for our friend to understand that she should have shared the Gospel with her.

What do these three friends of ours have in common, and how does it relate to the belief of the pastor I mentioned at the outset? I believe it’s clear that all three of them implicitly understand that not everyone is a child of God and that hell is a horrible place of eternal torment; beyond the normal feeling of grief, that is at the heart of why they were so distraught about their friend or relative being in hell. Contrast that with the belief of the pastor who thinks that everyone is a child of God, and that God somehow loves them even in hell. He challenged his listeners to think about this situation: say you have a child who has not only strayed but who has said hateful things to you and that he never wants to see your face again; would you continue loving this child even if he never returned to you and reconciled with you? He said that God would, and does.

First of all, I don’t believe that the pastor’s “God would” answer is supported by Scripture. Beyond that, a fundamental problem is his almost cavalier, platitudinal attitude, in contrast to our three friends’ sobering understanding of the reality of hell; all three have an implicit understanding that hell, among other things, is the eternal, complete absence of God.

Why is this important? I have written previously about the dangerous teaching of Rob Bell, a universalist who believes that everyone will ultimately make it to heaven. (See especially https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/06/11/does-god-love-everyone-part-2/.) Tony Campolo, a pastor and retired professor whose books I used to read, has also moved in the direction of believing that people have a “second chance” after death; this is bad enough, but I’m concerned that he will ultimately become a universalist, which again is dangerous not only for him but for those who read and listen to him. I have the same concern for the “God would” pastor.

As children of God, let’s test everything we hear by Scripture. If you are reading this and are not yet a true child of God, my prayer is that you will come to saving faith in the Lord Jesus Christ.

What Does the Bible Say about the Gifts of Tongues?

When it comes to the spiritual gifts (notice the plural; more on that later) of tongues, there are two extremes. At one extreme, you have cessationists; these are Christians who believe that the gifts of tongues were for the early church only and that they no longer exist today. At the other extreme, you have people who believe that every Christian can and even should speak in tongues.

In examining Scripture, I think the best place to begin is in Acts 2, the well-known chapter about Pentecost. In verse 4 we read, “All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues as the Spirit enabled them.” Who is “them” in this verse? If you go back to Chapter 1, you will see that this pronoun refers to either the twelve apostles or to the 120 Jesus-followers at that time. What does “tongues” mean? If you look at verses 6 and 8 in Chapter 2, you will see that it means “languages.” Verses 5-6 say, “Now there were staying in Jerusalem God-fearing Jews from every nation under heaven. When they heard this sound, a crowd came together in bewilderment, because each one heard them speaking in his own language.” (By the way, what happened on the day of Pentecost was prophesied by Jesus Himself just a few weeks earlier. In Mark 16:17, Jesus said, “They [those who believe] will speak in new tongues.”)

When I was a young Christian teaching in China many years ago, I met some other American believers who spoke in tongues; not only that, but they believed that every Christian could do so. A friend of mine (also a Christian) heard what they said, believed it, and said that she wanted the gift of tongues. The tongue-speakers gathered around her, laid their hands on her, and prayed in tongues over her, but after a few minutes, my friend had still not received the gift of tongues. She left in tears of frustration and doubt. When I talked to these tongue-speakers, they said that they believed every Christian should speak in tongues because of I Corinthians 14:5, where Paul tells us, “I would like every one of you to speak in tongues, but I would rather have you prophesy. He who prophesies is greater than one who speaks in tongues, unless he interprets, so that the church may be edified.” However, I Corinthians 12, one of the chapters about spiritual gifts, makes it very clear that not every believer has this gift.

There is disagreement among Bible teachers about whether the gifts of tongues that Paul writes about in I Corinthians 14 refer to actual languages or something else, like the language of angels in I Corinthians 13:1. However, it is not my purpose in this post to answer that question; I want to focus on the guidelines for tongues that Paul gives in Chapter 14. As you read this chapter, you will notice that Paul tells us about two gifts of tongues: speaking and interpreting. Perhaps you already noticed this in verse 5, which I quoted in the previous paragraph. Verse 13 is similar: “For this reason anyone who speaks in a tongue should pray that he may interpret what he says.” Later, in verses 27-28, Paul writes, “If anyone speaks in a tongue, two–or at the most three–should speak, one at a time, and someone must interpret. If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God.” I want to emphasize three things here:

  • When God’s people are together, any tongue-speaking should be done one person at a time.
  • Someone must (not should) interpret.
  • If there is no interpreter, the person speaking in tongues should keep quiet.

How could Paul make it any plainer to us?! Contrast his instructions with what John MacArthur has called the “charismatic chaos” that goes on in some churches, where multiple people are simultaneously speaking in tongues and no one is interpreting. In fact, one thing I have noticed is that when American Christians talk about “tongues,” it is almost always spoken of as the gift of tongues, not the gifts. In other words, it seems to always be thought of as speaking in tongues, while interpreting tongues is ignored.

More than once, I have been praying with a group of believers and someone has started praying in tongues. However, there has never been an interpreter. I was an ESL teacher for 32 years and heard a very large number of languages spoken during that time. Frankly, during the times that I have heard believers speaking in tongues, it has sounded like gibberish, not a possible language. In fact, John MacArthur in his book Strange Fire reports an analysis done of tongue-speaking in which no grammatical regularities could be found.

A sister in Christ once reported to me that she had overheard a couple speaking a language that sounded like something she herself had spoken in her private tongue-speaking. I asked her why she hadn’t spoken to them in that tongue, and she just said something like, “Oh, I never thought of that!” Based on Acts 2, isn’t communication with people at least one of the purposes of tongue-speaking?

Let me repeat I Corinthians 14:28: “If there is no interpreter, the speaker should keep quiet in the church and speak to himself and God.” In a similar vein, I Corinthians 14:2 says, “For anyone who speaks in a tongue does not speak to men but to God.” Finally, the second part of I Corinthians 14:39 says, “Do not forbid speaking in tongues.” I believe there is a place for speaking in tongues in private. However, Paul makes it crystal clear that when believers are together, speaking in tongues and interpreting them must be conjoined.

Religious and Political Hypocrisy

I’ve been thinking a lot about hypocrisy since the U.S. presidential election because I’ve heard a lot of it, as I’m sure you have. It has caused me to think about what Jesus had to say about it while he was on Earth, as recorded in the Bible.

First of all, the word “hypocrite” is usually taken to mean a person whose actions do not match his words. In that regard, it usually refers to someone who expects something of others that he is not willing to do himself. It can also mean a person whose words or actions are not consistent in or for different situations. Jesus denounced the Pharisees of His day over and over for their hypocrisy. For example, in Matthew 15:7-8, Jesus says, “You hypocrites! Isaiah was right when he prophesied about you: ‘These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me.'” In Matthew 7:5, which is the culmination of the well-known passage about judging others, Jesus says, “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

In the “seven woes” chapter, Matthew 23, Jesus repeatedly denounces the Pharisees for their hypocrisy. In verses 13-15, Jesus says, “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You shut the kingdom of heaven in men’s faces. You yourselves do not enter, nor will you let those enter who are trying to. Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You travel over land and sea to win a single convert, and when he becomes one, you make him twice as much a son of hell as you are.” These words sound harsh to our ears, but Jesus was speaking to people who not only professed to be God’s people, but who were leading God’s people!

One thing that should be clear by now is that Jesus was denouncing the hypocrisy of religious teachers who had rejected Him as Savior and Lord. What about those who are currently leaders of God’s people? Is it possible for them to be hypocritical as well? I’m sorry to say that the answer is yes. For example, some women came forward recently to say that a well-known, internationally-recognized Christian leader had behaved inappropriately towards them in a sexual manner. I was very saddened to hear that because this man (who went to heaven this year) was someone who I admired very much and learned a lot from. Unlike the vast majority of the Pharisees of Jesus’ day, this man was a believer, but he will have to answer to the Lord. I have no doubt that you can come up with your own examples of such people as well.

What does all this have to do with modern politics? Simply this: those in politics are by definition leaders: not religious, mind you, but leaders nonetheless. Two prominent passages in Scripture that deal with political leadership are Romans 13:1-7 and 1 Peter 2:13-17. Romans 13:1 tells us, “Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.” First of all, as Christians we are expected to obey those in political leadership. (There are exceptions, of course, but this post has a different focus.) Second, because those authorities have been established by God, those individuals in leadership are accountable to Him, and that’s why the post-election hypocrisy has been maddening at times. Here are three egregious examples:

  • Before the election, our President and his supporters were vilified by the left (both political leaders and most of the media) for “super-spreader” rallies; they were accused of recklessly spreading COVID-19. Contrast that with crowds celebrating the apparent victory by our President’s opponent three days after the election; very few in the media denounced these rallies. While it’s true that mask-wearing was more common in the latter rallies than the former, social distancing was practiced in neither. (I also wrote about this phenomenon in June in a post responding to recent riots and protests: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/06/06/a-christian-response-to-recent-u-s-riots-and-protests/)
  • The apparent winner of the presidential election has called for “unity” and “healing.” Compare that with his calling Trump supporters “chumps” prior to the election and his comparing Trump to the infamous Nazi leader Joseph Goebbels. There are also many others on the left who did their utmost to promote disunity throughout the last four years. Not only that, but there are leftists who are now calling for the keeping of lists of Trump “sycophants.” One prominent media leader, Jake Tapper, even tweeted this not-so-thinly-veiled threat to those on the right: “At a certain point one has to think not only about what’s best for the nation (peaceful transfer of power) but how any future employers might see your character defined during adversity.”
  • Those on the right, including our President, are being told to “suck it up” and accept the (apparent) result of the presidential election because that’s what those on the left have had to do for the last four years. Really? First of all, many on the left have done anything but “suck it up” for the last four years. For example, Hillary Clinton demanded a recount in Wisconsin and other states in 2016 despite the relative absence of voting irregularities. Then even last year, during an interview with CBS, she stated, “He [Trump] knows he’s an illegitimate President.” Contrast Clinton’s demands for recounts in 2016 and her continuing refusal to accept that election outcome with the current demands for investigations into voting irregularities in last week’s election. In fact, what will be happening in some states over the coming weeks is not merely recounting votes but auditing them because of the multitude of documented voting irregularities of various kinds.

I suppose it’s obvious which direction I “lean” politically, so let me add this: four years ago, there were allegations of Russian “collusion,” which were investigated for two years, at great taxpayer expense, and ultimately found to not be credible. Why can’t we take a few weeks to investigate what happened last week?

The Lord holds those in leadership, whether religious or political, as well as whether they are His people or not, to a higher standard. Those who engage in hypocrisy will be held accountable. Although this post has been about hypocrisy in leadership, I should add that those of us who are not in leadership are accountable as well. As God’s people, let’s be men and women of integrity, which in its most basic sense means “wholeness.” We should be people who are whole and consistent in our words and actions.