How Do You Handle Problems with Neighbors?

There seems to be a tendency among people to simply get frustrated (or call in law enforcement or a lawyer) when they have a problem with a neighbor rather than going directly to them to work it out. When I have had a problem with a neighbor, I have not always been willing to go directly to them; however, most of the time, I have. In this post, I will recount some examples.

It’s been a while since I’ve needed to confront a neighbor about something, thankfully, but the vast majority of times that I have, it’s been about late-night noise. Here are a few vignettes, with a variety of neighbors over a period of several years.

  • It’s after midnight, and there’s very loud music coming from across the street. I get dressed, pray, and walk across the street. My neighbor isn’t outside, but there is a couple in the back of a pickup; that’s where the music is coming from. The guy, who is somewhat inebriated, greets me and asks if I want a beer. I politely decline, but then I point to my watch and say, “Hey, it’s pretty late, and I’m having a hard time sleeping. Could you turn down your music?” He jumps up, saying, “Sure, I’ll turn it off right now.” I say, “Oh, that’s not necessary; just turn it down.” He says, “No problem!” and turns it off. I thank him, walk back home, thank the Lord, and get to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
  • It’s another late night, and I hear some very loud talking from in front of my next-door neighbor’s house; there’s also some music, but not too loud. I get dressed, pray, and walk next door. My neighbor, very inebriated, is talking with a couple of friends. He greets me and introduces me to his friends, with handshakes all around. I tap my watch, and he says, “Hey, this is my neighbor, and he’s a great guy. He has to put up with me and my family having parties and making noise.” I say, “Thanks, but I wonder if you’d mind talking maybe in your house or garage; it’s kind of loud.” He apologizes and essentially repeats his line about my being a great neighbor and having to put up with their noise. After a little more friendly back and forth, we wave, and he and his friends go inside. Interestingly, there was another time with this same neighbor and family when his wife brought us some homemade soup and told us that over the coming weekend, they’d be having a party; it was her way of saying, “Hey, can you just tolerate some noise, especially since I’m giving you this soup?” We thanked her for the soup, and I told her that as long as they didn’t make noise too late and kept it inside, it would be all right. A couple nights later, they had their party, and the noise level was very tolerable.
  • It’s yet another late night, and I wake up to a noise I can’t immediately place. After a couple of minutes, I realize that someone is riding a skateboard back and forth on the street in front of our next-door neighbor’s house (a different neighbor) as well as our house. (Have you ever heard a skateboard in the dead of night? It’s really loud!) There’s also a lot of loud talking, and when I peer out the window, I can see at least a dozen guys. This time, I’m a bit concerned because of the sheer number of guys and also because I don’t see my neighbor. I get up, pray (longer this time), and with a bit of trepidation prepare to walk out the door. I decide that I’m going to focus on spotting my neighbor and making a beeline for him. Thankfully, I quickly spot him, and I tap my watch and say, “Hey, sorry to bother you, but it’s really late, and I’m having a hard time getting to sleep.” He looks at me, puts his hands on his hips, and then nods, saying, “I can respect that. Okay, guys, let’s take it inside.” They do, and after my heartbeat slows down again, I get back to sleep.

Maybe you’re wondering where my wife has been during all these late-night noise episodes. The answer is: Right next to me, fast asleep! She has no trouble sleeping through almost anything. There have been other similar episodes as well over the years, but as I alluded to earlier, thankfully, it’s been a long time since the last one.

Another type of confrontation that we had with a neighbor years ago was one evening when my wife noticed some yard-waste clippings flying over our backyard fence (a very tall one; not our preference, but it’s the norm here) into our yard. We went outside and said, “Hey, what are you doing?” Some more flew over, and I said, “Can you just stop a minute?” The neighbor said that what they were throwing over was from our climbing fig, which was encroaching on their side; my wife said that there was no more climbing fig on our side. Our neighbor’s teen son, who was on a ladder, looked over and saw that our side of the fence was indeed bare. He nodded and said something to his mom. That ended the conversation and the tossing over of yard waste. (No, we didn’t throw it back!) A little background: with the previous neighbor in that house, my wife had offered some weed-killer, but when my wife also asked her to sign a homemade “hold-harmless” agreement, the neighbor turned it down.

Maybe you’ve noticed that with the late-night noise incidents, I have always prayed before talking to the neighbor. One of the reasons I have prayed is simply because frankly, I’ve been feeling angry about the noise, so I know that I need the Lord to settle me down. Otherwise, my anger will show to my neighbor, and things are very likely to escalate. One verse that comes to mind is Romans 12:18, which says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The other reason I have prayed is simply that I want the Lord to grant me a good night’s sleep! Psalm 127:2 says, “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat–for he grants sleep to those he loves.” One time when I was having a dinner with colleagues, we were talking about problems with neighbors. None of my colleagues were willing to talk to their neighbors, so I told them a couple of my stories. One colleague looked at me and said (nonsarcastically), “It’s great that you like to do that, Keith.” I said, “I don’t like to do it, but if I don’t, I won’t get a good night’s sleep!”

As I mentioned at the outset, I have not always been willing to go directly to a neighbor that I have a problem with; you can read, among other things, about an example related to “donuts” here if you’re interested: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2023/05/31/making-your-mark/ Lord willing, in my next post, about forgiveness, I plan to include another example of a neighbor that I have not been able or willing to go to directly. I should also add that I have heard enough stories about violent, even deadly, confrontations with neighbors not to be naive about this kind of situation. However, I would venture to say that with the Lord’s help, we can try to directly resolve problems with neighbors more often than we might think.

Discernment in Charitable Giving

A few months after I got married, my wife and I went to a Third World country to teach at a university and to share the Gospel as the Lord opened doors. We went there under the auspices of a Christian organization that required us to raise financial and prayer support; that was truly a faith-building exercise as we watched God’s people provide the funds that we needed.

When we returned to the U.S. three years later, with a toddler in tow, we were eager to “give back.” We did this through a church that we had joined as well as through a few parachurch organizations. Our starting point was Christian organizations whose goal was to share the Gospel in various ways. We looked at their finances (not as easy then as it is now; see https://www.charitynavigator.org/ for a quick way to examine an organization’s finances as well as other information, like leadership and results) and decided if an organization that we liked spent no more than ~15% of its funds on administration and fund-raising, we would give to them; in some cases, even if that figure was more than 15%, we would still give, but less.

One of the organizations that we gave to specialized in child sponsorship, which was something both of us had a strong desire to do. We chose a boy who was our son’s age, and then a couple years later, a girl who was our daughter’s age. That way, our kids could “grow up with” their sponsored counterparts, and indeed, they would sometimes write a note or send them a small toy. About ten years ago, this organization announced that they would lift their ban on hiring gay and lesbian married “Christians;” two days later, they (thankfully) reversed that decision. However, the damage had been done; it didn’t take long for news to spread on social media, and a significant number of evangelical Christians canceled their child sponsorships. In large part because of the quick reversal by the organization, my wife and I decided to continue sponsoring “our kids,” but the organization was definitely more on our radar.

About five years ago, the organization’s leader retired, and a new man took over the helm. In their communiques with donors, we noticed a continuing shift, including in theology. For example, here’s a quote from early 2022: “Imagine if we expanded our vision of community to encompass all God’s children around the globe.” The context implied that the leader views every person as one of God’s children, which is simply not true; you can read more about that view in something I wrote a while back if you’re interested: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/12/03/are-we-all-children-of-god/ Then recently, two of our sponsored children and their communities became independent, which is a good thing. The organization sent us picture cards and information about two new kids that they suggested we sponsor. On the cover of the pamphlet, under each child’s picture, it said, “Thank you for believing in me!” Also, on each child’s fridge magnet, it said, “I believe [name of child] is full of potential!”

My wife and I had the same reaction to these sentences; we especially objected to “Thank you for believing in me!” because although we would love these children, we would not “believe in” them; our belief, and hence our trust, is in the Lord God. I would have been more than happy to call the organization, but my wife had an even stronger desire. She told the representative about our objection to the above sentences, and thankfully, the rep listened! It was obvious that she hadn’t really thought about those sentences before. She even asked what we would suggest instead, so my wife suggested “I am unique. I am loved. I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” (Any or all of the above.) A few days later, we received a short survey in the mail, and in the comments section, I wrote about our conversation with the rep as well as the “children of God” comment. We haven’t heard anything more since, but we have decided to continue our sponsorship of our remaining child until she and her community become independent. In the meantime, we are researching other organizations to sponsor children through instead.

A second organization that we had been giving to is one that trained native missionaries to share the Gospel. In other words, instead of training and sending North American missionaries, for example, to the Third World, they focused on raising up people in their own communities to be missionaries. We first heard about this organization through friends of ours; the husband was going to work for them and needed to raise money to do so. My wife and I strongly appreciated the concept of native missionaries compared with North American missionaries because of the cost-effectiveness of such a paradigm, so we started to support our friends as well as two native missionaries in India.

Some time later, we received a letter from an administrator at the organization saying that our friend was being let go; the letter suggested that it was because of some kind of moral failing. We were rather shocked, so we spoke with our friend. He said that he had actually been let go because of issues related to his work; he had made some of the changes that they had suggested, but not to their satisfaction. As time went on, the atmosphere in the office had changed in ways that negatively affected him as well. We also spoke with the person who had written the letter about our friend and explained to him that his wording suggested something very different from what he had apparently meant; he seemed to accept that, so we continued our support of our two native missionaries. However, we stopped that support a couple years later because they no longer needed it, for whatever reason.

Several years after that, this same organization became embroiled in a series of financial scandals related to misuse of donor funds. For example, they were accused of redirecting specifically designated funds into other areas; it would be like a church redirecting funds designated for the deacons’ fund into the general fund. Directly connected with this redirection, or misappropriation, of funds, this organization had essentially been “hoarding” millions of dollars. It settled a large lawsuit just a few years ago, although I’m sorry to say, the leadership admitted no wrongdoing. One would hope that a purportedly Christian organization would be able to say, like King David after being confronted over his adultery with Bathsheba, “I have sinned against the Lord.” (2 Samuel 12:13)

One principle that we have strived to live by is not to react very quickly to emotional pleas for money from charitable organizations. On 9/11, for example, along with the rest of the nation, I watched the news with disbelief as they showed, again and again, the planes crashing into the Twin Towers. Our church gave the congregation the opportunity to give, especially to the families of the firefighters who had died; the church would funnel funds to them through a charity. My wife asked what I thought about giving in that way, and I said I didn’t want to. My reasoning was that there would be an economic downturn, which would cause charitable giving to drop off; I thought we should continue giving as we had been, or possibly increase it, because “our” organizations would need the money even more. I also thought that there would be plenty of giving to the firefighters’ families, as there should be. My predictions aren’t always right, but for the next couple years, there was an economic downturn, and charitable organizations suffered along with the rest of the country. Interestingly, a large, well-known organization that had collected a very significant amount of money designated for firefighters’ families was discovered to have redirected some of those funds to other areas; they quickly made it right, at least mostly, by diverting the money back to those families.

Please don’t misunderstand me; if you gave to firefighters’ families in the aftermath of 9/11, I think that’s great! They certainly needed it, deserved it, and received it. However, for my wife and myself, we decided to continue giving as we had been; for us, that was the right decision, but that doesn’t mean it would have been the right one for you. Regarding the second organization that I wrote about: I would guess that most potential donors would look at the financial scandal engulfing it and at the very least wait for some time before giving to them. In regard to the first organization that I wrote about, maybe you have no concern over the initial lifting of the ban on hiring gay and lesbian married “Christians,” the “children of God” comment, or even “Thank you for believing in me!” If so, then so be it; some of these issues are matters of conscience. That’s why in both the first and second case, my wife and I talked to people in the organizations to express our concerns. The good news is that there is an abundance of other charitable organizations to choose from, and Charity Navigator makes it easy to research them.

One thing I would not suggest is blindly giving to parachurch and other charitable organizations. We always need to be wise as stewards of the funds the Lord has given us, including when there are signs that something is changing negatively in an organization that we support.

Euthanasia Extremism

In my most recent post, I wrote about my daughter, who has autism. Shortly before that, a headline about how the Netherlands is euthanizing autistic and intellectually handicapped people naturally caught my attention.

I would guess that many, if not most, people understandably have an immediate visceral reaction to the term “euthanasia;” I am one of them. That’s why it’s good to clearly define some terms at the outset. There are differences, for example, between euthanasia, assisted suicide, and assisted dying; the third term is an umbrella term for the first two. Additionally, there is a difference between passive and active euthanasia. In a post a couple of years ago, I wrote that a Biblical case can be made for passive euthanasia, which refers to the intentional withdrawing or withholding of treatment in the case of someone who is dying, meaning someone who has a short estimated time remaining as determined by medical professionals. You can read more about that here: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/10/22/when-is-it-right-to-die/

In the article that I mentioned in the first paragraph, it is very clear that what is being referred to in the Netherlands is assisted suicide; in other words, the autistic (including five under the age of 30!) and intellectually handicapped people being referred to have wanted to die and have been assisted in doing so. Reasons for this expressed desire included:

  • social isolation and loneliness (77%)
  • lack of resilience or coping strategies (56%)
  • lack of flexibility (rigid thinking or difficulty adapting to change) (44%)
  • oversensitivity to stimuli (26%)

These and other related reasons were the sole cause of suffering described in 21% of cases and a major contributing factor in an additional 42% of cases. (I should add that I have seen all four of these to varying degrees and at varying times in relation to my daughter.) In one-third of cases, physicians had noted there was “no prospect of improvement” as autism and intellectual disability are not treatable. (This is patently untrue; even though autism, for example, cannot be cured, there is most definitely “prospect for improvement!”) Here is a link to the article: https://www.foxnews.com/world/netherlands-euthanizing-autistic-intellectually-handicapped-people-researcher-finds

Irene Tuffrey-Wijne, a palliative-care specialist and one of the lead authors of the Kingston University report cited in the article, found that Dutch doctors were legally killing patients who wanted to die because their disability prevented them from leading a “normal life,” including difficulty in making social connections. She said, “There’s no doubt in my mind these people were suffering. But is society really OK with sending this message, that there’s no other way to help them, and it’s just better to be dead?”

Tuffrey-Wijne’s quote gets at the heart of the matter; yes, people with autism and other intellectual disabilities suffer in ways that the rest of us don’t. However, do we want to tell them that assisted suicide is a viable option–especially if the government makes such an option legal? Shouldn’t we instead be seeking to provide them with the help they need, including explicit training?

Taking it a step further: don’t all of us suffer in various ways? When people are diagnosed with clinical depression, for example, do we want to tell them that assisted suicide is an option? Don’t we instead want to give them plenty of opportunity to express themselves, as difficult as it may be for us to enter their darkness?

When I first read about euthanasia in the 1970s, it was proposed as a “solution” for those who were undergoing severe physical suffering, almost always near the end of life. Although I didn’t agree with it, I could at least understand it. Now we have a country (the Netherlands) that allows it to be used in cases of people with autism and intellectual handicaps. Lest you think that it can never happen in the U.S., ten states plus the District of Columbia have so-called Death with Dignity laws. Thankfully, provisions in those laws do not apply to those with various mental disabilities. However, our neighbor immediately to the north is on the verge of adopting a law very similar to what the Netherlands has, so don’t think it can’t happen here.

Ultimately, autists and intellectually handicapped people, along with the rest of us, need the hope that only Jesus Christ can offer. In addition, we need to have a Biblical understanding of suffering. The vast majority of us believers are probably not going to be martyred for our faith, but here are two verses that directly link suffering and hope: “Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.” (Romans 5:3,4) Here’s another verse about suffering, which is part of a passage about the hope for all of creation: “I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” (Romans 8:18)

On a personal note, my wife, daughter, and I are part of the same very loving church, and that love is most definitely extended by our brothers and sisters to our autistic daughter. May all of us who profess the name of Christ live out our love for Him, including to those with various intellectual disabilities.

Adventures in Autism

My introduction to autism was through the movie Rain Man (1988), a great movie in many ways. It is both humorous and poignant in its portrayal of Raymond, who is rather severely autistic, and his brother Charlie. My wife and I were newlyweds when we saw it; little did we know at the time that a few years down the road, we would start experiencing autism, up close and personal.

Our daughter was somewhat colicky, but was otherwise a very cheerful baby. One thing I had noticed was at the age of three, she didn’t know her colors. I really didn’t think much of it at the time, but the solution was very simple: we got a board book about colors from the library, and I used it to explicitly teach her the colors. Then when our daughter was in first grade, my wife noticed that while she was standing in line with the other kids, there was a definite gap between her and the next child in line. My wife instructed her explicitly to move up to “close the gap;” she needed this instruction multiple times.

During her first three years in school, our daughter had a close friend, but at the beginning of third grade, this friend moved to a different school. Around that time, her teacher noticed that during recess, our daughter usually played in the sand by herself; however, she was perfectly content in doing so. Both our son and our daughter had previously enjoyed using magnet wands to “pick up” iron filings in the sand at our local park, so my wife worked with the teacher to buy a class set for our daughter to take to school and share. Several other kids quickly joined her in the sand during recess from that day forward.

Another thing we noticed at that time was that our cheerful, talkative daughter had a hard time “reading” facial expressions. As a family, we had started watching Little House on the Prairie, and we realized that the various characters showed a wide variety of emotions; that show became very instrumental in helping our daughter understand facial expressions. We would pause the episode now and then to ask her, for example, “How do you think Laura is feeling now?” or “Why do you think Mrs. Oleson did that?”

By this time, it seemed obvious that there was something “different” about our daughter; however, none of her teachers noticed much out of the ordinary. I guess when you have a cheerful, diligent student, you’re less likely to notice! Around that time, my wife started reading about Asperger’s Syndrome, and many of its descriptors sounded like our daughter.

The summer before our daughter started high school, my wife took her to a specialist, who diagnosed her as having high-functioning autism. (Now, Asperger’s Syndrome is included under ASD, or Autism Spectrum Disorder.) This gave us clarity and further help, including accommodations at school, moving forward; a pediatric neurologist had diagnosed her at age 7 as having “weak muscles,” but nothing more.

In high school, our daughter became much more social; she had two close friends who were both godly young girls, like her. She was also part of a “lunch bunch” (four to six girls). When she went off to a small Christian college far away from home, she developed a romantic relationship with a guy who was also on “The Spectrum.” One thing unique about their relationship was that when they were apart, they could go as much as six weeks without much of any communication with each other; hard to believe, particularly in today’s world! The college was in a small town, and word spread about our daughter. There were other parents in the area with kids on The Spectrum, and they organized a speaking opportunity for her in which she shared her experiences and took questions from them. It seemed that she gave them hope that perhaps at least in some cases, their kids could also grow up, go to college, and lead a relatively “normal” life. By that time, she had become much more adept at reading facial expressions as well as having improved spatial awareness.

One thing our daughter came to realize was that at her Christian college, not all of the students behaved in Christian ways. We explained to her that not everyone there was a Christian, just as in other contexts, including church; autists often see things in “black and white.” After graduating from college, she got a job back in our community as a paraprofessional (a kind of teacher’s aide). However, she found that the demands of the job, including her difficulty with such “basics” as finding her way around new schools within the district, were too much to manage. In addition, not too long after that, COVID hit. Now she has a job working with an eight-year-old autistic girl (barely verbal) as well as a couple hours a week at an ice cream shop; she also volunteers in various ways through our church, including helping with meal preparation for the homeless in our community. She is living with us, but we are moving her towards greater independence, which she wants; after all, as we often remind her, we will not be here forever!

I should add that I got my daughter’s permission to write this post about her; in fact, she was rather excited about it and wanted me to use her name! Special thanks also to my wife, who has read it for accuracy. Maybe you know someone who is on The Spectrum; because it is a spectrum, there is a very wide variety of people on it. My daughter is toward the high-functioning end, but regardless of where an autist falls on it, each has his or her own special and specific challenges.

Is the Trans Community under Attack?

A couple of headlines about the LGBTQ community recently caught my eye; one of them had the word “attack” in it, while the other one used the phrase “anti-LGBTQ.” As I skimmed the articles, it quickly became apparent that the authors were referring primarily to bills and laws that are seen as restrictions on the rights of the trans community.

So far in 2023, 33% of such legislation are school restrictions, such as limiting classroom discussions of sexuality and gender; another 27% are health-care restrictions, such as prohibiting trans kids from receiving “gender-affirming care.” Other such legislation includes prohibiting trans-identifying individuals from using restrooms of their choice and playing on sports teams aligned with their gender identity.

There is much that could be (and has been) said about each of these types of legislation. I would like to focus briefly on trans women in sports because of the issue of fairness. Last year, Lia Thomas became a household name because of the fact that he won several NCAA swimming events against women; I use the pronoun “he” in reference to Lia Thomas because Riley Gaines and other female swimmers have seen him naked in the locker room, and he is most definitely a man, not a woman. The vast majority of people understand that it’s patently unfair to allow a biological man to compete against biological women. I think the only solution to this unfairness is to have a third category of athletes, perhaps called “other,” for those who identify as transgender.

One of the aforementioned articles also mentioned corporations such as Anheuser-Busch (the parent of Bud Light) and Target as having “caved” to criticism from conservative groups over their partnerships with members of the LGBTQ+ community. As of June 20, Bud Light has seen its revenue drop ~25% since the beginning of the boycott in early April; the boycott was spurred by Bud Light’s decision to feature transgender influencer Dylan Mulvaney in its advertising. One strange thing about supposed “caving,” though; last weekend, Bud Light was one of the sponsors of the Toronto Pride parade, which featured naked men standing around and riding bicycles in clear view of children attending the event. That is not what I would call “caving,” to put it mildly.

In a similar vein, Target doesn’t seem to have learned its lesson from 2016, when it adopted an “inclusive” restroom policy which caused its revenue to plummet. Last month, because of its “pride”-themed clothing, Target also faced a boycott which caused its revenue to drop ~20% and its stock price to plummet to a three-year low. Customers were especially infuriated by “tuck-friendly” women’s swimsuits and “pride”-themed clothing for children being featured front and center at some of its stores. As a result, some Target stores moved their “pride” section to the back, but that has not been enough to satisfy some Target shoppers.

Bud Light’s very recent sponsorship of the naked-featuring Toronto Pride parade, on the heels of the boycott, and Target’s “pride”-themed clothing, even after its restroom fiasco a few years back, has prompted me to wonder whether those in charge at these two companies are primarily focused on sales; it doesn’t seem so. While I usually admire companies that don’t seem to be overly focused on their bottom line, my admiration does not extend to Bud Light and Target.

While researching all of this, I came across some revealing (no pun intended) statistics in regard to Americans’ perceptions of gender. 61% of Americans now think that “defining gender as the sex listed on a person’s original birth certificate is the only way to define male and female in society.” This is a huge increase from 51% just a year ago. In a similar vein, only 36% of Americans now believe that “the definition of gender is antiquated and needs to be updated to include identity.” This number is down significantly from 42% a year ago. These numbers indicate a growing backlash against the push by trans community activists to expand their rights. In a similar vein, I came across an article by a gay man named Ben Appel about his perceptions of what the White House called LGBTQ Pride Month. I was struck by this quote: “Though I’m gay, I feel something besides pride on the occasion. The socially compulsory celebration now is something to dread. It means that for the entire month of June, you’ll get to hear about the plight of transgender people, just like you do the other 11 months of the year.” So, even within the LGBTQ community, there is resentment against the focus on the rights of the transgender community.

Putting it all together, there are three ways in which the transgender community appears to be experiencing a backlash: legislation that limits their rights; boycotts of companies that overreach in their support of trans people; and beliefs of Americans in relation to the definition of gender. You could also add negative feelings, which are often unspoken, at least in public. As for myself: last year I wrote that although I don’t have compassion for transgender activists, I do have compassion for the transgendered, who are often not the same people as the activists. My compassion in this regard is especially strong for those kids who are confused about their identity, plus those who have detransitioned back to their original biological gender. You can read more about that here: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2022/02/23/clarity-and-compassion-for-the-transgendered/

May the Lord continue to use His people to show and tell His truth and love to those in the transgender community. May some in that community come to understand that the Creator God made them in the first place, and that He doesn’t make mistakes; may this lead them to repentance.