What Men Wish Their Fathers Had Taught Them

I have made it my tradition to write my year-end post about marriage or raising children because my wedding anniversary (35th) is also this time of year. A few months ago, I came across an article by Matt Christensen; 11 men in three different countries, ranging in age from 30-45, responded to the question of what they wish their fathers had taught them when they were little. You can access the article here: https://www.fatherly.com/life/what-i-wish-my-dad-taught-me-when-i-was-little?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us Christensen emphasizes that “the point here is to not dwell on mistakes. Rather, it is to learn about what you might want to prioritize.” I would add that it’s hard to expect a father to teach a son what he hasn’t learned himself. Here are some quotes from each man, with my own brief commentary on each one.

  1. How to Be Present. Adrian, 31, says that he wishes his hard-working father had been able to “be in the present and cherish experiences and family because time is the one thing you can’t get back.” I say a hearty “Amen!” to that as a priority.
  2. How to Know My Worth. Phillip, 37, had an abusive, manipulative father. Among other things, this caused him to wonder if any of his own actions and decisions were the right ones. As an adult, he has been bullied by colleagues. However, he has learned this: “I must cherish and value my own children. I should never mistreat them or allow anybody to make them feel inferior.” I will add more about bullying near the end of this post.
  3. How to Play Guitar. Jim, 45, had a dad who was a musician. Jim thought that was ultra-cool and wanted his dad to teach him. However: “I begged him to teach me how to play the guitar like him, but I wasn’t very good, and he wasn’t very patient. He got frustrated easily and nudged me toward other interests.” I think that regardless of what the specific skill(s) may be that we as dads have, we should pass them on to our sons if they show interest. 
  4. How to Fix Things. Scott, 36, had a blue-collar dad who was very mechanically inclined. “If I could go back in time to being a kid again, I would have asked my dad to take time to bring me in on some of his repair jobs.” I’m not very mechanically-minded, but how to change a tire comes to mind because that is something I know how to do; I have done it for myself as well as others.
  5. How to Set Goals. Erik, 40, says, “Breaking big goals into smaller tasks can make a big difference in how kids deal with challenges. If I knew this earlier, I would have been more motivated and faced difficulties with more confidence.” I hadn’t really thought about this a lot as a dad in my younger years, but this priority manifested itself a few years ago when my wife and I talked to our college-graduate son about why he should move out on his own. (He had gone to college in another state but moved back home for a few months.) He agreed “100%” with what we said and is now flourishing in his own community in another state, including church.
  6. How to Care. Joshua, 30, had a father who was on the road a lot. He says, “My kids will know that I’m interested in what they like, how they think, and the people they are going to become. And my wife will know I support her in whatever she does.” Amen to that!
  7. How to Connect with People. John, 31, says, “I want [my boys] to understand that making friends and keeping them close is just as important as acing a test or scoring a goal.” For sure, and it also applies to connecting with your wife!
  8. How to Let Certain Things Roll off Me. Michael, 40, says, “Sometimes the things other people say and do make us change how we do something or what we think about something, which has interfered with my life quite a bit.” I would add that on the one hand, we don’t want to be “people-pleasers;” on the other hand, there are definitely important things that I have learned from other people, especially Biblical principles.
  9. How to Problem-Solve. Trevor, 40, had a dad who was a problem-solver. However: “He wanted to fix the problem, whether it was a broken appliance or hurt feelings, rather than explore it or help us learn about it.” I would simply add that it takes time to teach others how to “fix,” whether it’s a machine or a damaged relationship, but that time is more than worth it.
  10. How to Nurture My Inner Child. Phil, 45, says, “When I stop and think of other adults as basically kids on the inside, with the same insecurities and fears that I have, it’s a lot easier for me to have patience and compassion for them.” I don’t know if having insecurities and fears means you’re a “kid” on the inside, but I will say that increasing maturity lessens them. Also, empathy is a very strong point of connection with others.
  11. How to Manage Money. Patrick, 45, says, “I wish my dad had taught me about stocks and investing when I was young. He rarely talked about money or his work as a director at a large financial institution.” As I mentioned before, we as dads should pass on the skills we have to our sons; that would include money management.

Earlier in this post (under the second wish), I mentioned bullying; this is something I wish my father had taught me how to handle. It took me a while, but I eventually realized that bullies want an easy target; not showing fear but standing up to them is usually effective. My son was bullied a couple of times growing up, and I have also passed this advice on to another boy (now a man) that I know. At the same time, I acknowledge the prevalence of cyberbullying, which is less easily dealt with and something I have never had to handle.

I think the most common factor in the wishes of all 11 of these men is that teaching our sons takes time; that should be obvious, but actually doing it is another matter. I think that we dads would like our sons to be able to learn from us primarily by observing our example, but that’s not enough. I have previously written about what Christian manhood looks like; click here for Part 1 if you’re interested: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/08/26/what-does-christian-manhood-look-like-part-1/ At the end of that post, there’s a link to Part 2. 

For all of you mothers and mothers-to-be out there: although this post is about fathers and sons, I think that these are principles you can apply as well.

Here’s to a blessed 2024 for each of you!

A Tale of Two Christmas-Light Extravaganzas

Christmas season is truly my favorite time of year, for multiple reasons. One of them is Christmas-light displays. My wife and I sometimes walk around our neighborhood at night, enjoying our neighbors’ displays; we also have a modest display of our own.

In another part of our city, there is an area known as Christmas Tree Lane. Although Christmas-light displays are not exactly mandated, it is understood that everyone living there is expected to put up lights, at a minimum, and perhaps additions like a giant corpulent Santa with reindeer. Some of the residents add various kinds of moving parts, such as elves at work. Many add various kinds of sound effects, including Christmas music, some of which is secular (but fun!) as well as some hymns. Some residents include large word displays; again, some of them are secular or neutral, while others are explicitly Christian, such as “Jesus is born!” At a nearby park, you can have free hot cocoa as well. 

Walking through Christmas Tree Lane is a wonderful experience, no matter your age. Part of my enjoyment of it is hearing young kids’ voices, most of them oohing and aahing in wonder. All in all, it is an experience that takes me out of the ordinariness of everyday living; it is, in fact, often worshipful.

Last year, a large church in our community held their own Christmas-light extravaganza. My wife, daughter, and I decided to take a drive-through (the only way possible) “tour.” Shortly after we entered the church property, a woman came along the line of cars, collecting $5 from each driver. As we inched along in winding fashion, there were many trees decorated with creative light displays. We had also been instructed to tune to a designated FM frequency for a combination of narration and Christmas music. One thing I noticed early on was that most of the songs were secular; in the end, I counted seven secular songs and two Christian ones. As for the narration: there were several trivia questions, such as “Which country do candy canes come from?” We were also told that church services there were “not boring, but fun!” 

Afterwards, as we reflected on the experience, my wife commented that overall, it was not a very worshipful experience; that summed it up well. I had thought of it as an opportunity for that church to tell people something about the true meaning of Christmas, but frankly, there was precious little of that.  I decided to call that church a couple of days ago to see if they were doing the same thing this year. The secretary told me that this year, they had decided to do an indoor “Christmas village” event instead. I was glad to hear that, and later, I looked online for more info. Among other things, the event includes free cocoa, an indoor light show, ornament making, and cookie decorating. Thankfully, there will also be “a very special Christmas message.” 

I don’t know if that church decided to do something different this year based on feedback from last year, but this year has the potential to be something better. Besides the aspects I have already alluded to from last year’s event (largely-secular music and narration), I think one of the intangible reasons for this year’s potential–at least from my viewpoint–is the opportunity to actually interact with people, unlike at last year’s event. That one reminded me of the strong tendency of people in my community to use the drive-through lane, especially at restaurants, but also at places like Starbucks, which I had thought of as the quintessential place to walk in and enjoy coffee–maybe even talking with people in the process! COVID exacerbated this drive-through tendency, and it is obvious that some people have decided to stick with it. I also realized that in contrast, walking through (rather than driving through) Christmas Tree Lane is one of the things I love about it.

As you enjoy the many aspects of this Christmas season–including Christmas lights!–with your loved ones, may you above all experience the peace and joy that only Jesus Christ can give! 

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If you’re interested in previous posts related to Christmas, check these out:

https://keithpetersenblog.com/a-christmas-quiz/ (This is a Christmas quiz.)

https://keithpetersenblog.com/unpacking-the-theology-of-a-christmas-hymn/ (This is about the incredible theology packed into the hymn “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing.”)

https://keithpetersenblog.com/the-foolishness-of-christmas/ (This is about how the Christmas message is foolishness to non-Christians, but the saving power of God to Christians.)

One Way

Back in 1978 when I started college and was not yet a Christian, I saw a poster that looked a lot like this: https://www.redbubble.com/i/poster/JESUS-ONE-WAY-by-CalliopeSt/33625995.E40HW?ref_list_id=srp_results&ref_list_index=4 You’ll notice the “One Way” sign pointing up, along with the first six words of John 14:6. I thought of this recently because of a conversation between my wife and a friend. More on that in a bit.

The full verse (John 14:6) reads like this: “Jesus answered, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.'” Over the years, I have heard (and read) many people question this; nowadays, some say things like, “That’s so exclusive!” Yes, it is, and it is particularly offensive to some in our era of DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion). I’ve also heard something like this more than once: “But that’s so narrow-minded!” Here’s what Jesus says in Matthew 7:13-14: “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.” There is a sense in which Christians are “narrow-minded” because yes, we believe that Jesus is the only way to heaven. We also understand that this way, or road, is not an easy one, particularly in the face of a culture that is increasingly hostile to Christianity.

While I would expect atheists, agnostics, and adherents of other religions not to accept what the Bible says, I find it very disturbing that 57% of American evangelicals responded “Yes” to the following question: “Are there many religions that lead to eternal life?” This was back in 2008, so my guess is that the percentage is now even higher. You can read more about this research here: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/05/07/how-many-christians-are-there-in-the-united-states/

At the outset, I referred to a recent conversation between my wife and a friend of hers. This friend, while not a regular churchgoer, had said and done things over the years that caused those who knew her to assume that she was a Christian. However, she recently posted something to the effect that we can please God on our own, without Jesus to save us. When my wife tried to engage her in conversation about it, she asked my wife not to comment on her “philosophical” posts, saying that my wife already knows what she believes and feels.

One thing that struck me about this exchange was my wife’s friend’s use of the word “philosophical,” rather than “religious,” for example. Another thing that struck me was her also asking my wife not to comment on her public posts of that nature; I would say that if you don’t want someone (anyone?) to comment on your thoughts, then don’t make them public! My wife, of course, will no longer do so. On a deeper level, after talking about this with her, my guess is that her friend’s belief has a lot to do with the grief that she has experienced over the years. I can easily understand that when a loved one who is not a Christian dies, there is a strong sense of hopelessness regarding that person. I can also understand how that could lead to wondering if there is another way to heaven, independently of Jesus. Regardless of exactly what is going on in her heart and mind, for the moment, all that my wife and I (and some other believers) can do is pray for her; right now, she is on a much broader but very dangerous road.

Christmas is less than a month away. I am very much looking forward to my family being together soon and everything that goes with it, including wonderful meals, laughter, game-playing, time out in the Lord’s creation, Christmas lights, presents, and much more! I suppose some may find it a bit strange that I am writing a post like this now. If so, I would remind all of us (certainly including myself) that in spite of what our culture may try to tell us, Christmas is all about Jesus Christ. He is truly the One Way, the Only Way, to heaven. If you are not yet a believer, my prayer is that this will be the season you come to know Him as your Savior and Lord.

Deep Waters of the Heart

Imagine yourself at a party with a rather large number of people. You see someone who is walking around talking to everyone, it seems; you see another person who is sipping a drink, standing off to the side and quietly observing, at least initially. The first person is probably an extrovert, while the second is more likely to be an introvert.

It seems that American society looks more favorably on extroverts than introverts; when there are “uncomfortable” silences in a group conversation, for example, which type of person is more likely to fill in the gap? However, I would like to look at this from a different perspective, which has to do with time and number of relationships. An extrovert may be likely to have more relationships than an introvert, but it seems to me that time is an important factor in terms of the development and depth of those relationships.

I have “tested” right down the middle in terms of this dichotomy; however, it’s very clear to me (and my wife) that I’m more of an introvert than an extrovert. In a given period of time, I’m much more energized (albeit sometimes also drained!) by having in-depth conversations with one or two people than I am by having comparatively small talk with six-eight people. As I’ve thought about this, I have been reflecting on various in-depth conversations with different people throughout the years. Here are some examples:

  • I’m having a conversation with a close friend who has gotten divorced; he goes to a depth that I had never imagined, and I will never betray his confidence by telling anyone the specifics. While we don’t necessarily “solve” anything, he is able to get some things out that he needed to. (This has happened with three different men.)
  • I’m having a conversation with a pre-marital couple. (I was part of a church that had a strong pre-marital program at the time.) I have noticed something in the background of the young woman that indicates she had been abused in a previous relationship. I have thought about whether I will ask her about it, and near the end of our time together, I decide to do so. Through tears, she shares something about it, and her fiance (who had known about it) is very supportive. The next day, he thanks me for bringing that out; it had been beneficial for her to share it.
  • I’m having a conversation with another young pre-marital couple. They are conflict-ridden and arguing with each other. At one point, the man looks at me and angrily asks something like, “Are you here just to go over the results of these tests, or can you help us?” I say to his fiancee, “I think he wants you just to listen to him and not always try to problem-solve.” He nods his head. (Whew!)
  • My wife (also an introvert!) and I are talking with a couple; we have gotten to be close friends with them, but they are on the verge of divorce–by the wife’s choice, not the husband’s. She is very well-educated and bubbly (an extrovert!), while he runs his own restaurant and is much quieter (an introvert). Her main complaint is that he doesn’t “understand” her. I ask her to say something to him that expresses a deep feeling, and then I ask him to paraphrase it; what he says doesn’t even come close. She says, “See? Our marriage is over; don’t try to save it.” She divorces him a short time later.
  • When I was teaching (I’m a retired ESL teacher), I would often say something like this to my classes during the first week: “I’m not a psychologist, but if you ever want to talk to me about something personal, let me know.” One day, a student has stayed after class and is telling me about her daughter and son-in-law; the two of them are having a great deal of conflict, and my student has been trying to intervene, but it is only making things worse. As we are talking, a light bulb goes on; she says, “Oh, they need help, but I’m not the one to give it!” I smile and heartily affirm what she has just said.

I trust it’s clear that in the examples I have written about, there is not always a “happy ending.” However, everyone wants to be known and understood, and sometimes when a person is able to express himself or herself, that understanding comes, on both sides. One of my favorite Bible verses, closely related to this, is Proverbs 20:5: “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”

Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not down on extroverts or people who just aren’t comfortable having very in-depth conversations; strong feelings often come out, and as in the example of the conflict-ridden couple, sometimes anger can even be directed at you! There is a brother at my church who I know would “test” as an extrovert, but he is also a person who has in-depth conversations with people. And even for extroverts I have known who are less likely to go into great depth, I appreciate them for who they are; among other things, as I alluded to at the outset, they are more likely to make other people feel more comfortable, especially in groups.

The Lord has made each of us unique; regardless of personality type or level of comfort in different social situations, let’s be the kinds of people that others want to be around!

Gen Z in the Workplace

A headline about a young woman bemoaning the fact that she has to work a 9-to-5 job in marketing recently caught my attention. In a TikTok video that has gone viral, Brielle Asero, 21, was in tears as she said, “I want to shower, eat my dinner and go to sleep. I don’t have time or energy to cook my dinner either. Like, I don’t have energy to work out, like that’s out the window. Like, I’m so upset. Nothing to do with my job at all, but just like the 9-to-5 schedule in general is crazy.” This inspired me to investigate Generation Z (also known as Gen Z, meaning those born between 1997 and 2012) behavior and attitudes in the workplace as well as managers’ perceptions of them. I believe this is related to the coddling they have received at universities; you can read more about that coddling here: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2021/10/06/coddling-in-american-universities-and-churches/

Here are some things I discovered while reading several different articles about this topic. The first two bullets are from an article by Dana Wilkie on shrm.org; the next three are from mckinsey.com; the final four are from a New York Post article by Rikki Schlott.

  • About one-third of Gen Zers demand a say over their work schedule. More than one-third say they won’t tolerate being forced to work when they don’t want to or being denied the vacation days they request.
  • In spite of prolific smartphone use, 75% of Gen Zers prefer face-to-face interactions when getting manager feedback, and more than one third prefer to communicate with colleagues face to face.
  • Of all generations, Generation Z is the most likely to be stressed about work and to report poor mental health.
  • Gen Zers are more likely than other generations to work multiple jobs and to be concerned about the stability of their employment. As a result, they are much less likely than other generations to expect to ever own a home.
  • On the other hand, Generation Z is more likely to think the economic future is “brighter” than Generation X and baby boomers; millennials have the “brightest” economic outlook.
  • 65% of managers said they have to fire Gen Z workers more often compared with other generations. In fact, 13% of managers said they have had to fire a Gen Z worker less than one week after their start date.
  • Many managers have reported that Gen Z employees are hard to deal with when it comes to language. One manager named Peter who refuses to give his last name says, “I don’t want to offend anyone or trigger someone. I always have it in the back of my mind that I’m going to get angry one day, and I’m going to get freaking canceled.” In a similar vein, another manager, Matt (also refusing to give his last name) reported that Gen Zers “dominated [workplace] culture with social justice fundamentalism.” Peter added that Gen Z employees had a hard time looking him in the eye during conversations.
  • Alexis McDonnell, a content creator who managed Gen Z employees at a tech company in Dallas, says that distractibility is an issue: “We would be on team calls, and you’d be able to tell that they were on their phones. If we called on them, it was like deer in the headlights, and you could tell that they hadn’t been paying attention.” Another comment regarding phone use comes from an anonymous (another one!) manager, who used the phrase “phone zombies” to refer to Gen Zers during breaks.
  • Inappropriate informality–using a manager’s first name early on, for example–was also reported as a Gen Z problem.

In summary, Gen Z employees are more likely to have a sense of entitlement than other generations; they are more easily offended, at least in terms of their expression of it; they are more easily distracted; and they are more likely to communicate inappropriately in the workplace. In a bizarre twist, some Gen Z subordinates seem to think they have the right to spout their social justice views, while their managers are walking on eggshells around them. All of these negatives make Gen Zers less likely to be long-term employees at a given job. Perhaps this helps explain why Generation Z is much more likely (51%) than other generations (36%) to work independently, which is defined as contract work, freelancing, and gig work.

The following statement (from mckinsey.com) may also shed some light on Gen Zers regarding their behavior in the workplace: “Gen Z respondents report alarming levels of negativity about themselves, their confidence in the future, and their ability to find contentment in American life.” I believe that a lot of this comes from their obsession with social media, which so readily invites comparison with other people. Admittedly, other generations can easily become obsessed with social media as well, but this obsession is very clearly on display with Gen Zers. One positive about this overall negative view that Gen Zers tend to have about themselves is that they are much more likely to seek help; this provides an opportunity for the church to step in.

What does the Bible have to say about our attitude toward work? Colossians 3:23-24 says, “Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving.” As believers, this should be our mindset; the Lord knows how we are working, whether our boss does or not. I would hope that Gen Zers who are believers would have that focus.

I am retired now, but I was recently reflecting with my wife about two summers when I was in my early 20s. I worked from 8 to 5 (with breaks) at an azalea nursery, and sometimes, a farming friend of mine would need help in the evening baling hay, so another guy from the nursery and I would head out to the farm. It was exhilarating out there in the field, tossing bales of hay on a wagon and bantering with each other while my friend’s dad drove the tractor at the perfect speed. After we had gathered all of the bales, we’d head to the barn, throw the bales onto a hay “elevator,” and stack them in the haymow. And then to top it all off: we’d head into the farmhouse, where my buddy’s mom would have sloppy joes ready.

I have a hard time understanding the crying 9-to-5 girl that I mentioned at the outset; those days when I was her age and sometimes working 12-hour days are wonderful memories. There are many reasons for this contrast. I think that one prominent reason has to do with relationships, both the ones I had at the nursery and the ones with the guys I baled hay with. Admittedly, the COVID lockdowns had a lot to do with making people feel even more socially isolated, but as I mentioned before, this is where we as the church have the opportunity to step in. There are preteens, teens, and young adults who are hungry for authentic relationships; some of them are already part of our churches, and some are not. And on the most fundamental level of all, they need a relationship with the Lord Himself.