Celebration of a Long Life or a Long Marriage?

Posted bykeithpetersen80Posted inChristian ApologeticsTags:, , , , ,

My wife and I are part of a church which is very largely Asian. (She is Asian (American-born); I’m not.) Periodically, we have a guest preacher. A few weeks ago, one of them (a Caucasian) mentioned in a sermon that he has been married 68 years; I heard a few “oohs” and aahs.” Later in the same sermon, he mentioned that he is 94 years old; the response of the congregation was loud applause. I found the contrasting responses to his long-lasting marriage and long life perplexing, even a little disturbing.

When my wife and I discussed this later, she said that the applause for the preacher’s long life was “reflexive.” In other words, since childhood, at church and in other similar group situations, Asian Americans have celebrated long life. Somewhat in contrast, a lifelong marriage is something to be expected, while divorce is frowned upon and is still seen as even shameful. The acknowledgment of wedding anniversaries, if it happens at all, is comparatively low-key. I have noticed this in an app that our church members use to communicate. One of the groups that my wife and I are a part of is a married couples’ group. Birthdays are always acknowledged, and most members write specific words of encouragement to the person; this rarely happens with wedding anniversaries.

I decided to do some research regarding American life expectancy and divorce among the four broad racial groups. What I found did not surprise me:

  • Asians: life expectancy, 84.5 years; divorce rate, 12.7%
  • Hispanics: life expectancy, 80.0 years; divorce rate, 26.7%
  • Whites: life expectancy, 77.5 years; divorce rate, 35.3%
  • Blacks: life expectancy, 72.8 years; divorce rate, 38.8%

I’m sure you have noticed a very distinct correlation: those who remain married are likely to have a longer life; I had also read before in various sources that longer marriages are correlated with longer lives (regardless of race). A word of explanation regarding the divorce rate percentages: they indicate those Americans who have ever been divorced. Depending on your source, you will find different ways of calculating the divorce rate, but regardless of the specifics, you will usually find that the above American racial trends hold true. One caveat: given the trend among both millennials and Zoomers (Gen Z) to delay marriage–and perhaps never marry–it will be interesting to see over time whether this affects their life expectancy.

One might think that Asian Americans have the best of both worlds: they live long lives and are significantly less likely to get divorced than the other racial groups. However, anecdotally at least, Asian Americans are more likely to live apart than other American racial groups, sometimes for months or even years at a time–usually for educational, financial, or family-of-origin reasons. The husband, for example, pursues a degree in another state or country. Or, in a closely related example, he works in another state–or even country–for some time because of the opportunity to make more money for the family. Another scenario is where the wife heads back to her home country to care for aging parents. My wife and I have both known Asian couples like these and have heard of many others. For a typical Caucasian American (at least speaking for myself), such an extended multi-month or especially multi-year separation would be almost unthinkable, increasing the likelihood of divorce. Somehow, older generations of Asian American couples have at least made this scenario “work,” although it hardly means that they have a close relationship. My guess is that for the youngest generations, these kinds of extended separations are going to become less likely.

Regarding the differing reactions our congregation had to the preacher’s long marriage vs. long life, I should add that in Asian cultures, the elderly are to be respected. My wife explained that this helps to understand those reactions. In other words, if you are “old,” we will accord you an even higher degree of respect. This goes along with the old adage that with greater age comes greater wisdom, something I heard more than once as I was growing up. In contemporary American society as a whole, that kind of respect for the elderly is not so widespread, to put it mildly.

As I have further analyzed my thoughts and feelings regarding these differing reactions, I can summarize them like this: if a person has a long life, it is a gift from God. We can certainly do basic things like eating right and exercising regularly, but that is very far from a “guarantee” that we will have a long life. Having a long marriage, however, requires a good deal of work on the part of both husband and wife in contemporary American society, where divorce is so easy and common. Even in the American church, the divorce rate is about the same as society as a whole.

At the church that my wife and I used to be part of, one thing that they did right was acknowledging, on an annual basis, the anniversaries of those couples who had been married at least 50 years. I think that as time goes on, that kind of acknowledgment is likely to happen at our church as well. I have no problem with acknowledging long life, but I would like to see that acknowledgment–and even celebration–extended to long-lasting marriages, as well.

If you are married, regardless of how long, may your relationship be a shining example of love in what can be a lonely world. If you are single but would like to be married, I would recommend talking to a couple who have a good marriage relationship; they can help you understand what it takes to have a successful marriage.

17 thoughts on “Celebration of a Long Life or a Long Marriage?”

  1. Keith, I was surprised that Asian-Americans have such a long life expectancy compared to other groups in this country since many are first generation immigrants who may have problems fitting into American society. The low divorce rate among Asians doesn’t surprise me since Asians (even those with no formal religious affiliation) tend to be socially conservative. Another thing that surprises me is that Hispanics have a longer life expectancy than whites since on the average Hispanics tend to be less affluent.

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    1. Tony, the data is from 2024. I was surprised that the difference between Asian Americans and white Americans was so large (7%). I wasn’t very surprised that Hispanics have a longer life expectancy than whites because their rate of divorce is significantly lower than whites.’

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    1. Tony, I have no doubt that diet has a lot to do with it. I think that both Asian Americans and Hispanics eat more healthily than whites, on average. I have seen it, for example, whenever we have a potluck at our church compared with potlucks at our previous one. I also saw it when we had potlucks at the end of the semester when I was teaching ESL; the majority of my students were usually Hispanic.

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  3. Keith, what a thought-provoking piece! So many nuggets of wisdom and interesting facts that aren’t necessarily surprising. I don’t know the stats, and it may be a stereotype, but I kept thinking that Asians also have a reputation of being very smart. 😉

    (Interesting, too what you shared in the comments about the differences in potlucks. 😆)

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    1. Thanks, Annie! Yes, Asian Americans have a reputation for being very smart. A lot of that has to do with the parents (over)emphasizing education, at least in comparison to parents of other races. And I hadn’t thought about the differences in potlucks until Tony’s comment about diet. One thing I don’t know about is potlucks featuring food made primarily by blacks; over the years, I had very few second-language learners from Africa, and my previous church had very few blacks. But yes, I have been privileged to partake of cuisine from many different countries! 🍽🥢😋

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  4. Thanks for the interesting post, Keith. I find the cultural differences between races/ethnicities to be fascinating.
    While reading your post, I thought about our 4-year experience at a large seeker-friendly megachurch that was geared completely towards 20-40 y/os. The only thing missing was a big sign out front saying, “Anyone over 40 is not welcome.” There are comparatively few Gospel-preaching churches in our city, but we stayed at that one way too long.
    Marriage takes determined work in our culture. My wife’s maternal grandmother divorced (unheard of in her era) and remarried and my wife’s mother divorced twice, so my wife’s family viewed divorce as a very viable option way before the rest of the culture caught up.

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    1. Thanks, Tom! We used to belong to a megachurch which is now just a few hundred because of a lot of bad decisions by leadership, plus no longer preaching against specific sins. I understand why people are drawn to megachurches, but I’m thankful for our comparatively small church.

      Regarding marriage: I like your use of the word “determined.” One thing a pastor at our former church once said was, “The natural end of every marriage is divorce.” In our contemporary culture, there’s a lot of truth in that statement. I’m thankful that you and your wife have not followed the path of your wife’s grandmother and mother!

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      1. Thanks, Keith. Not to go into a long story, but we actually did divorce in 2001, but got back together the following year. It was all due to God because I wanted nothing less than to get back together after all of that.

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  5. Fascinating post! I myself am of Asian American background; never knew you were married to someone of Asian background.
    Last year I spoke at a conference with an incredible missionary in Asia with persecuted believer; they were so amazed when he said how many years they were married and your post made me think about that.

    Good nuanced post!

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    1. Thank you, Brother! And I didn’t know that you were Asian American, either! Over my final 15 years or so teaching ESL (adults), a lot of my students were amazed when they found out how long I’d been married; I guess they had lived in the U.S. long enough to have some idea of how common divorce is here. Particularly in this day and age, I’ve come to realize that a long marriage can be a powerful testimony.

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