What Men Wish Their Fathers Had Taught Them

I have made it my tradition to write my year-end post about marriage or raising children because my wedding anniversary (35th) is also this time of year. A few months ago, I came across an article by Matt Christensen; 11 men in three different countries, ranging in age from 30-45, responded to the question of what they wish their fathers had taught them when they were little. You can access the article here: https://www.fatherly.com/life/what-i-wish-my-dad-taught-me-when-i-was-little?utm_source=pocket-newtab-en-us Christensen emphasizes that “the point here is to not dwell on mistakes. Rather, it is to learn about what you might want to prioritize.” I would add that it’s hard to expect a father to teach a son what he hasn’t learned himself. Here are some quotes from each man, with my own brief commentary on each one.

1. How to Be Present. Adrian, 31, says that he wishes his hard-working father had been able to “be in the present and cherish experiences and family because time is the one thing you can’t get back.” I say a hearty “Amen!” to that as a priority.
2. How to Know My Worth. Phillip, 37, had an abusive, manipulative father. Among other things, this caused him to wonder if any of his own actions and decisions were the right ones. As an adult, he has been bullied by colleagues. However, he has learned this: “I must cherish and value my own children. I should never mistreat them or allow anybody to make them feel inferior.” I will add more about bullying near the end of this post.
3. How to Play Guitar. Jim, 45, had a dad who was a musician. Jim thought that was ultra-cool and wanted his dad to teach him. However: “I begged him to teach me how to play the guitar like him, but I wasn’t very good, and he wasn’t very patient. He got frustrated easily and nudged me toward other interests.” I think that regardless of what the specific skill(s) may be that we as dads have, we should pass them on to our sons if they show interest. 
4. How to Fix Things. Scott, 36, had a blue-collar dad who was very mechanically inclined. “If I could go back in time to being a kid again, I would have asked my dad to take time to bring me in on some of his repair jobs.” I’m not very mechanically-minded, but how to change a tire comes to mind because that is something I know how to do; I have done it for myself as well as others.
5. How to Set Goals. Erik, 40, says, “Breaking big goals into smaller tasks can make a big difference in how kids deal with challenges. If I knew this earlier, I would have been more motivated and faced difficulties with more confidence.” I hadn’t really thought about this a lot as a dad in my younger years, but this priority manifested itself a few years ago when my wife and I talked to our college-graduate son about why he should move out on his own. (He had gone to college in another state but moved back home for a few months.) He agreed “100%” with what we said and is now flourishing in his own community in another state, including church.
6. How to Care. Joshua, 30, had a father who was on the road a lot. He says, “My kids will know that I’m interested in what they like, how they think, and the people they are going to become. And my wife will know I support her in whatever she does.” Amen to that!
7. How to Connect with People. John, 31, says, “I want [my boys] to understand that making friends and keeping them close is just as important as acing a test or scoring a goal.” For sure, and it also applies to connecting with your wife!
8. How to Let Certain Things Roll off Me. Michael, 40, says, “Sometimes the things other people say and do make us change how we do something or what we think about something, which has interfered with my life quite a bit.” I would add that on the one hand, we don’t want to be “people-pleasers;” on the other hand, there are definitely important things that I have learned from other people, especially Biblical principles.
9. How to Problem-Solve. Trevor, 40, had a dad who was a problem-solver. However: “He wanted to fix the problem, whether it was a broken appliance or hurt feelings, rather than explore it or help us learn about it.” I would simply add that it takes time to teach others how to “fix,” whether it’s a machine or a damaged relationship, but that time is more than worth it.
10. How to Nurture My Inner Child. Phil, 45, says, “When I stop and think of other adults as basically kids on the inside, with the same insecurities and fears that I have, it’s a lot easier for me to have patience and compassion for them.” I don’t know if having insecurities and fears means you’re a “kid” on the inside, but I will say that increasing maturity lessens them. Also, empathy is a very strong point of connection with others.
11. How to Manage Money. Patrick, 45, says, “I wish my dad had taught me about stocks and investing when I was young. He rarely talked about money or his work as a director at a large financial institution.” As I mentioned before, we as dads should pass on the skills we have to our sons; that would include money management.

Earlier in this post (under the second wish), I mentioned bullying; this is something I wish my father had taught me how to handle. It took me a while, but I eventually realized that bullies want an easy target; not showing fear but standing up to them is usually effective. My son was bullied a couple of times growing up, and I have also passed this advice on to another boy (now a man) that I know. At the same time, I acknowledge the prevalence of cyberbullying, which is less easily dealt with and something I have never had to handle.

I think the most common factor in the wishes of all 11 of these men is that teaching our sons takes time; that should be obvious, but actually doing it is another matter. I think that we dads would like our sons to be able to learn from us primarily by observing our example, but that’s not enough. I have previously written about what Christian manhood looks like; click here for Part 1 if you’re interested: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2020/08/26/what-does-christian-manhood-look-like-part-1/ At the end of that post, there’s a link to Part 2. 

For all of you mothers and mothers-to-be out there: although this post is about fathers and sons, I think that these are principles you can apply as well.

Here’s to a blessed 2024 for each of you!