Imagine yourself at a party with a rather large number of people. You see someone who is walking around talking to everyone, it seems; you see another person who is sipping a drink, standing off to the side and quietly observing, at least initially. The first person is probably an extrovert, while the second is more likely to be an introvert.
It seems that American society looks more favorably on extroverts than introverts; when there are “uncomfortable” silences in a group conversation, for example, which type of person is more likely to fill in the gap? However, I would like to look at this from a different perspective, which has to do with time and number of relationships. An extrovert may be likely to have more relationships than an introvert, but it seems to me that time is an important factor in terms of the development and depth of those relationships.
I have “tested” right down the middle in terms of this dichotomy; however, it’s very clear to me (and my wife) that I’m more of an introvert than an extrovert. In a given period of time, I’m much more energized (albeit sometimes also drained!) by having in-depth conversations with one or two people than I am by having comparatively small talk with six-eight people. As I’ve thought about this, I have been reflecting on various in-depth conversations with different people throughout the years. Here are some examples:
- I’m having a conversation with a close friend who has gotten divorced; he goes to a depth that I had never imagined, and I will never betray his confidence by telling anyone the specifics. While we don’t necessarily “solve” anything, he is able to get some things out that he needed to. (This has happened with three different men.)
- I’m having a conversation with a pre-marital couple. (I was part of a church that had a strong pre-marital program at the time.) I have noticed something in the background of the young woman that indicates she had been abused in a previous relationship. I have thought about whether I will ask her about it, and near the end of our time together, I decide to do so. Through tears, she shares something about it, and her fiance (who had known about it) is very supportive. The next day, he thanks me for bringing that out; it had been beneficial for her to share it.
- I’m having a conversation with another young pre-marital couple. They are conflict-ridden and arguing with each other. At one point, the man looks at me and angrily asks something like, “Are you here just to go over the results of these tests, or can you help us?” I say to his fiancee, “I think he wants you just to listen to him and not always try to problem-solve.” He nods his head. (Whew!)
- My wife (also an introvert!) and I are talking with a couple; we have gotten to be close friends with them, but they are on the verge of divorce–by the wife’s choice, not the husband’s. She is very well-educated and bubbly (an extrovert!), while he runs his own restaurant and is much quieter (an introvert). Her main complaint is that he doesn’t “understand” her. I ask her to say something to him that expresses a deep feeling, and then I ask him to paraphrase it; what he says doesn’t even come close. She says, “See? Our marriage is over; don’t try to save it.” She divorces him a short time later.
- When I was teaching (I’m a retired ESL teacher), I would often say something like this to my classes during the first week: “I’m not a psychologist, but if you ever want to talk to me about something personal, let me know.” One day, a student has stayed after class and is telling me about her daughter and son-in-law; the two of them are having a great deal of conflict, and my student has been trying to intervene, but it is only making things worse. As we are talking, a light bulb goes on; she says, “Oh, they need help, but I’m not the one to give it!” I smile and heartily affirm what she has just said.
I trust it’s clear that in the examples I have written about, there is not always a “happy ending.” However, everyone wants to be known and understood, and sometimes when a person is able to express himself or herself, that understanding comes, on both sides. One of my favorite Bible verses, closely related to this, is Proverbs 20:5: “The purposes of a man’s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out.”
Please don’t misunderstand me: I’m not down on extroverts or people who just aren’t comfortable having very in-depth conversations; strong feelings often come out, and as in the example of the conflict-ridden couple, sometimes anger can even be directed at you! There is a brother at my church who I know would “test” as an extrovert, but he is also a person who has in-depth conversations with people. And even for extroverts I have known who are less likely to go into great depth, I appreciate them for who they are; among other things, as I alluded to at the outset, they are more likely to make other people feel more comfortable, especially in groups.
The Lord has made each of us unique; regardless of personality type or level of comfort in different social situations, let’s be the kinds of people that others want to be around!
To the Remnant 