How Do You Handle Problems with Neighbors?

There seems to be a tendency among people to simply get frustrated (or call in law enforcement or a lawyer) when they have a problem with a neighbor rather than going directly to them to work it out. When I have had a problem with a neighbor, I have not always been willing to go directly to them; however, most of the time, I have. In this post, I will recount some examples.

It’s been a while since I’ve needed to confront a neighbor about something, thankfully, but the vast majority of times that I have, it’s been about late-night noise. Here are a few vignettes, with a variety of neighbors over a period of several years.

• It’s after midnight, and there’s very loud music coming from across the street. I get dressed, pray, and walk across the street. My neighbor isn’t outside, but there is a couple in the back of a pickup; that’s where the music is coming from. The guy, who is somewhat inebriated, greets me and asks if I want a beer. I politely decline, but then I point to my watch and say, “Hey, it’s pretty late, and I’m having a hard time sleeping. Could you turn down your music?” He jumps up, saying, “Sure, I’ll turn it off right now.” I say, “Oh, that’s not necessary; just turn it down.” He says, “No problem!” and turns it off. I thank him, walk back home, thank the Lord, and get to sleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.
• It’s another late night, and I hear some very loud talking from in front of my next-door neighbor’s house; there’s also some music, but not too loud. I get dressed, pray, and walk next door. My neighbor, very inebriated, is talking with a couple of friends. He greets me and introduces me to his friends, with handshakes all around. I tap my watch, and he says, “Hey, this is my neighbor, and he’s a great guy. He has to put up with me and my family having parties and making noise.” I say, “Thanks, but I wonder if you’d mind talking maybe in your house or garage; it’s kind of loud.” He apologizes and essentially repeats his line about my being a great neighbor and having to put up with their noise. After a little more friendly back and forth, we wave, and he and his friends go inside. Interestingly, there was another time with this same neighbor and family when his wife brought us some homemade soup and told us that over the coming weekend, they’d be having a party; it was her way of saying, “Hey, can you just tolerate some noise, especially since I’m giving you this soup?” We thanked her for the soup, and I told her that as long as they didn’t make noise too late and kept it inside, it would be all right. A couple nights later, they had their party, and the noise level was very tolerable.
• It’s yet another late night, and I wake up to a noise I can’t immediately place. After a couple of minutes, I realize that someone is riding a skateboard back and forth on the street in front of our next-door neighbor’s house (a different neighbor) as well as our house. (Have you ever heard a skateboard in the dead of night? It’s really loud!) There’s also a lot of loud talking, and when I peer out the window, I can see at least a dozen guys. This time, I’m a bit concerned because of the sheer number of guys and also because I don’t see my neighbor. I get up, pray (longer this time), and with a bit of trepidation prepare to walk out the door. I decide that I’m going to focus on spotting my neighbor and making a beeline for him. Thankfully, I quickly spot him, and I tap my watch and say, “Hey, sorry to bother you, but it’s really late, and I’m having a hard time getting to sleep.” He looks at me, puts his hands on his hips, and then nods, saying, “I can respect that. Okay, guys, let’s take it inside.” They do, and after my heartbeat slows down again, I get back to sleep.

Maybe you’re wondering where my wife has been during all these late-night noise episodes. The answer is: Right next to me, fast asleep! She has no trouble sleeping through almost anything. There have been other similar episodes as well over the years, but as I alluded to earlier, thankfully, it’s been a long time since the last one.

Another type of confrontation that we had with a neighbor years ago was one evening when my wife noticed some yard-waste clippings flying over our backyard fence (a very tall one; not our preference, but it’s the norm here) into our yard. We went outside and said, “Hey, what are you doing?” Some more flew over, and I said, “Can you just stop a minute?” The neighbor said that what they were throwing over was from our climbing fig, which was encroaching on their side; my wife said that there was no more climbing fig on our side. Our neighbor’s teen son, who was on a ladder, looked over and saw that our side of the fence was indeed bare. He nodded and said something to his mom. That ended the conversation and the tossing over of yard waste. (No, we didn’t throw it back!) A little background: with the previous neighbor in that house, my wife had offered some weed-killer, but when my wife also asked her to sign a homemade “hold-harmless” agreement, the neighbor turned it down.

Maybe you’ve noticed that with the late-night noise incidents, I have always prayed before talking to the neighbor. One of the reasons I have prayed is simply because frankly, I’ve been feeling angry about the noise, so I know that I need the Lord to settle me down. Otherwise, my anger will show to my neighbor, and things are very likely to escalate. One verse that comes to mind is Romans 12:18, which says, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” The other reason I have prayed is simply that I want the Lord to grant me a good night’s sleep! Psalm 127:2 says, “In vain you rise early and stay up late, toiling for food to eat–for he grants sleep to those he loves.” One time when I was having a dinner with colleagues, we were talking about problems with neighbors. None of my colleagues were willing to talk to their neighbors, so I told them a couple of my stories. One colleague looked at me and said (nonsarcastically), “It’s great that you like to do that, Keith.” I said, “I don’t like to do it, but if I don’t, I won’t get a good night’s sleep!”

As I mentioned at the outset, I have not always been willing to go directly to a neighbor that I have a problem with; you can read, among other things, about an example related to “donuts” here if you’re interested: https://keithpetersenblog.com/2023/05/31/making-your-mark/ Lord willing, in my next post, about forgiveness, I plan to include another example of a neighbor that I have not been able or willing to go to directly. I should also add that I have heard enough stories about violent, even deadly, confrontations with neighbors not to be naive about this kind of situation. However, I would venture to say that with the Lord’s help, we can try to directly resolve problems with neighbors more often than we might think.